A bit Of Toilet Humour

[the_great_she_elephant]

A bit of toilet  humour to cheer you all up. I wrote this in response to a prank photo that circulated showing empty shelves in Busselton Library .

The Literary Dunny

You’ve heard no doubt, the news about

The current bog roll panic,

With fights in shops and calls to cops

And bogans going manic.

Me old mate, Blue, was in a stew

He didn’t find it funny,

That all around no shop he found

With bogroll for his dunny.

He sat alone upon the ‘throne’

In silent desperation,

But then at last there came a blast -

A flash of inspiration.

“Well b*gger me,” he cried with glee

“I’ll fix those theivin’ crooks.

To wipe me crack I’ll just change tack –

And get meself some books.’

With footsteps light at dead of night

He hit the town library,

And helped himself off every shelf

With speed extraordinary.

Then home he crept while others slept

Triumphant and quite blasé

And quickly took each stolen book

And stashed them in the khazi

“And now” he said “they’ll all be read

By me, when on the loo

And when I’m done, to clean me bum

I’ll use a page or two.

I’ve books that that tease and books that please,

And books would shock a parson

But, stone the crows, who sees or knows

Which words I wipe me a**e on?

The library’s shock to find their stock

So cruelly depleted

Was plain to all – as was their call

That justice out be meted.

The South West Times deplored the crimes,

And called for retribution

But sly old Blue had left no clue,

So dodged a prosecution

The only bloke in on the joke

Is me – and there’s no money

Could tempt me to dob in Old Blue

And his literary dunny.

[the_great_she_elephant]

             HE'S B-A-A-A-A-CK

                         Old Blue Pays A Debt

As Blue himself would tell you, folks, his gambling days are done,

But now and then he likes to buy a scratchie, just for fun;

And recently, when scratching one, to his immense surprise

He found that he had actually won a major prize.

Not quite the millions you might get from winning powerball,

But several thousand dollars is a tidy little haul.

His winnings safely in the bank, we cracked a beer or two

And I asked what plans he had for this unlooked for revenue.

“Why not go on a cruise,” I said ‘Or have a holiday.”

“Yeah, mate” he said “But first there is a debt I must repay.”

“A debt?” I almost laughed out loud – the idea seemed too funny

“Oh, Blue” I asked, “since when have you owed anybody money?”

He looked at me, all sheepish, “Oh, it isn’t cash,” he said

“It’s a sort of debt of honour hangin’ over me old head.

But the people that it’s owed to don’t know who’s to blame you see

And I’ll look a proper drongo if they find out it was me.

So I can’t hand over money, and the plan I had in mind,

Was to do it all anonymous and pay them back in kind.

But I’m goin’ to need your help, mate, cause to pay this flamin’ debt

We’ll have to do some searchin’ and some buyin’ on the net.”

Realisation dawned on me, I couldn’t help but smile ;

You have to hand it to Old Blue – his plans always have style’.

“Of course I’ll help you, Bluey, mate,’ I told him, through my laughter.

I reckon Amazon will have the goods that you are after..

We worked our way that afternoon through Bluey’s shopping list,

And by the time I clicked ‘pay now’ no item had we missed,

We checked ‘delivery address’ and made it very clear,

That nowhere in the documents should ‘sender’s name’ appear.

There were rumours and wild guesses flying all around the town

The day the courier van arrived and set its shipment down

But nobody, as yet, it seems has solved the mystery,

Of the books that it delivered to our local library.

[the_great_she_elephant]

     OLD BLUE - AN UPDATE.

                    Lazarus Strikes Again.

You might remember Lazarus, the death defying duck.

Whose miraculous resurrection brought him such a stroke of luck:

A life of idle luxury, as Bluey’s pampered pet -

Such opulence, no other duck had ever known, I’ll bet.

He dined on fancy duck pellets – nought but the best for him

He even had a paddling pool in case he’d like a swim.

And he slept in Bluey’s chook house safe from any sneak attack,

Should that fox – remember Errol? – come round looking for a snack.

Yes, Lazarus had everything you’d think he might require

But who can read the minds of ducks or know what they desire?

And despite all these advantages, quite suddenly, one day,

The ungrateful little bugger simply upped and flew away.

When Blue gave me the news he sounded quite disconsolate,

“I can’t believe he’s gone,’ he said, ‘I thought he was me mate.”

"I’m sure he hasn’t gone for good” I said, to ease his mind.

“He’s probably just visiting the friends he left behind.

And if he had some notion life was better by the lake,

You can bet he’ll soon be back once he discovers his mistake.”

Our hopes, though, slowly faded as the days, then weeks, went past

Till we had to face the truth, that he’d deserted us, at last.

Then, just the other weekend when old Blue was feeling sad

And I’d popped in with some tinnies just to cheer him up a tad

We had settled on his back porch for a little Sunday session,

When down the drive towards us came a curious procession.

An adult duck at front and rear were plainly to be seen,

With a dozen fluffy ducklings all a-skittering in between.

“It’s Lazarus,” cried Blue,“I knew there had to be a reason

He flew away – I’d clean forgot that now’s the breeding season.

He had to find a ladyfriend – that’s what cased him to roam

But now he’s got a family he’s bringing them back home.”

“He know where he’s well off,” I laughed,” I told you he’d be back

They’ll all be running rings round you before you can say “quack.”

But someone else was watching that advancing conga line,

With interest just as keen as ours – but rather less benign

For through the vegie patch, with all the stealth that she could muster,

With tasty ducklings on her mind, came creeping Feather Duster.

Belly to the ground she tensed, preparing for a strike

And that’s when Lazarus first clocked the scheming little tyke.

Her murderous intentions must have really raised his dander,

For, neck outstretched and wings outspread and hissing like a gander,

He launched himself in furious rage straight into the attack

And landed like a thunderbolt on Feather Duster’s back.

He beat her with his outspread wings, he drubbed her with his feet

He seized her by her furry neck and shook her up a treat.

With a screech to shame a banshee, the cat threw him off and fled

(We found her later cowering underneath old Bluey’s bed)

While unruffled and triumphant; the epitome of cool;

Old Lazarus led his family down to the paddling pool

And I guess that ends my story, folks, but just before I go

I’ll quickly do a quick recap on the current status quo:

There’s a dozen fluffy ducklings now ensconced in Old Blue’s yard,

Lazarus and Mumma stand agressively on guard,

Feather Duster’s sulking, ‘cause she’s had her feathers plucked,

And old soft-hearted Bluey has been well and truly …… ducked.

[davewil1964]

Excellent, as usual.

[ecar3483]

You breathe life into your characters in a way that always makes me smile

Thank you.

🙂

[the_great_she_elephant]

Thak you Dave and Ecar,  your kind comments are much appreciated. 

[the_great_she_elephant]

Merry Christmas From Old Blue

For all of you who know me here I’ve penned this little rhyme,

To wish you health and happiness at this here festive time.

It’s been a sh*tty year, mates, as you can’t have failed to notice:

A trade war, a pandemic, and a feral bloody POTUS.

It might have flattened lesser folks, but we’re the ANZAC breed,

We dig our bl**dy heels in and hold fast in times of need.

So this year as I share a Christmas dinner with me mate,

We’ll raise a toast to all the things we have to celebrate:

The mice have done a runner, Feather Duster’s feeling perky,

And Lazarus is thankful he’s a duck and not a turkey.

We’ll eat and we’ll be merry and before the meal is through

We’ll raise our glasses one last time and drink a toast to you.

May your hearts be filled with gladness and your mouths with Christmas pud,

May Santa spoil you rotten, ‘cause I’m sure you’ve all been good

We’ve stared down 2020 mates, and now it’s almost done,

Let’s crack a tinny to a better 2021.

[tasfleur]

When elephant writes a poem,

You know it will be pink,

It leaves you bright and cheerful,

And from sadness shrink.

[the_great_she_elephant]

Aww! Thanks tasfleur. It's nice to be able to put a little smile on a few faces at a time like this.

[the_great_she_elephant]

Old Blue Gets Vaccinated

When Blue received the call-up for his Covid vaccination.

It caused the poor old bugger not a little agitation.

And remembering what had happened when he had to have the test.

I decided that to go with him would probably be best.

He was looking a bit seedy when I called to drive him in.

I’m nervous, mate,” he told me, “but I’ll take it on the chin.

It’s not that I’m a coward, and I know it sounds bizarre,

But it’s just that…... me and doctors …… well, you know the way things are.”

By the time we reached the clinic he was looking rather pale.

I tried my best to cheer him up, but all to no avail.

He shivered in the chair and I could see him really cringe

When the doctor came towards him and he spotted the syringe.

“Just shut your eyes and count to ten,” I whispered in his ear,

“It’ll only take a second, then we’ll go and have a beer.”

“One tiny prick you’ll hardly feel, and then you’ll be alright.”

But Bluey didn’t answer me – he’d gone out like a light.

The doctor looked unsure if should he go ahead or not

“Don’t worry mate, I said to him – this happens quite a lot.

If you can take advantage of the fact he’s comatose.

You’ll have that vaccine into him before he even knows.”

The job was barely finished when Blue started coming round.

He blinked and sighed a little and at last his voice he found.

“Well don’t just stand there gawking, doc,” he said in accents gruff,

‘I said I’d have the vaccine, and I’ve waited long enough.

I’m a patient sort of fella, but me temper’s wearing thin;

Stop fiddling with that needle and just stick the b*gger in.”