A bit Of Toilet Humour

[the_great_she_elephant]

A bit of toilet  humour to cheer you all up. I wrote this in response to a prank photo that circulated showing empty shelves in Busselton Library .

The Literary Dunny

You’ve heard no doubt, the news about

The current bog roll panic,

With fights in shops and calls to cops

And bogans going manic.

Me old mate, Blue, was in a stew

He didn’t find it funny,

That all around no shop he found

With bogroll for his dunny.

He sat alone upon the ‘throne’

In silent desperation,

But then at last there came a blast -

A flash of inspiration.

“Well b*gger me,” he cried with glee

“I’ll fix those theivin’ crooks.

To wipe me crack I’ll just change tack –

And get meself some books.’

With footsteps light at dead of night

He hit the town library,

And helped himself off every shelf

With speed extraordinary.

Then home he crept while others slept

Triumphant and quite blasé

And quickly took each stolen book

And stashed them in the khazi

“And now” he said “they’ll all be read

By me, when on the loo

And when I’m done, to clean me bum

I’ll use a page or two.

I’ve books that that tease and books that please,

And books would shock a parson

But, stone the crows, who sees or knows

Which words I wipe me a**e on?

The library’s shock to find their stock

So cruelly depleted

Was plain to all – as was their call

That justice out be meted.

The South West Times deplored the crimes,

And called for retribution

But sly old Blue had left no clue,

So dodged a prosecution

The only bloke in on the joke

Is me – and there’s no money

Could tempt me to dob in Old Blue

And his literary dunny.

[the_great_she_elephant]

[the_great_she_elephant]

Old Blue Clears The Pub.

They say that social distancing applies across the board.

But still there are some venues where it seems to be ignored.

Some folk are just plain ignorant, I call it a disgrace,

And from me own experience, I’ll cite you one such case.

When Blue emerged from ‘house arrest’ he took me down the pub.

He said “I need a coldie and a bit of decent grub.

I’m up to here with all them germs and rules and quarantines,

And sittin’ on me *rse at home and livin' on baked beans.

We went on Wednesday, thinking then the custom would be light,

But when we walked into the bar, we both got quite a fright

A mob of city slickers, all self satisfied, sat there

They’d come down in a bus and stripped our supermarket bare.

“Well, stone the crows,” exclaimed Old Blue, “These buggers have no shame.

It’s time somebody took a stand and stopped their little game.

For not content with comin' here and stealin' all our grub’

They’ll spread their bl**dy virus  right around our bl**dy pub.”

He paused then and was silent, simply gazinin’ into space,

A frown of concentration was imprinted on his face

Then all at once he gave a grin and smugly looked around

And that was when I thought I heard a small, distinctive sound.

A very strange aroma next came creeping up my nose

And I can tell you mates, that smell was nothing like a rose.

It was thick and foul and sulphurous, with hints of corpse as well;

You’d have sworn that it was rising from the very bowels of hell.

It swelled and it expanded till it filled the bl**dy room -

If anyone had lit a match we’d all have met our doom.

The drinkers started gagging as the odour reached it’s height

And the city slickers’ faces turned a nasty shade of white.

They left their drinks behind them and they scarpered to their bus,

And soon the bar was empty – there was just the two of us,

Plus the barman, who stood, stoic, in his customary place,

With a little Guinness bar towel firmly pressed against his face.

Well, I pinched me nose and waited till the air began to clear,

Then Blue pulled out his wallet and he shouted us a beer,

And “What the f*ck just happened there?” the barman said at last,

I’ve never seen in all me life a bar that cleared so fast.

“Me special party trick,” said Blue, “although I shouldn’t boast,

I had some little helpers – and it’s them deserves the toast’

So raise your glass to Heinz Baked Beans – they played the crucial part.

There’s nothing clears a pub quite like a ripe, rip-roarin' fart.

[springyzone]

Your poems are a great laugh, she-elephant and thank you for letting people share them.

I did share your original one with English friends and I was shown this one to share back.

I don't think it is an original by them, it is copied from elsewhere but still good for a smile.

Sing to the tune of Gloria Gaynor's "I will survive"

At 1st I was afraid, I was petrified,
There was no loo roll down at Aldi and I nearly cried.
Oh I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong,
I used to wipe,
And now I’m forced to just drip dry !
No anti-bac !
No bloody soap,
and if you think you’re buying pasta well you’ve got no bloody hope !
I would have bought that box of eggs, I would have rationed out my bread,
If I’d have known for just one second everyone would lose their head !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more !
Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans ?
You selfish gits !
I hope you spill them down your jeans !
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey !
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
There was just apples and 1 carrot in my shopping cart,
And I spent hours walking round just feeling sorry for myself,
The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor
And you’ll see me, somebody who,
Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you
And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git
Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t !
Go on now go, walk out the door !
All you bloody stockpilers,
You are not welcome any more!
Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes
Can’t you make a crumble,
Do you people not know how to bake ?
Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy !
Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,
Though I can’t buy my usual cheese
This will not bring me to my knees
And I’ll survive, I will survive !

[the_great_she_elephant]

Thanks Springy 

Old Blue Seeks Advice

Old Blue was getting worried, his supply of dunny books

Was shrinking in a most alarming way

He’d worked his way through Shakespeare – just the covers now were left

And Jane Austen was decreasing by the day.

The local lending library now had padlocks on the door.

And the bog roll situation wasn’t funny

There were rows of empty shelves in supermarkets everywhere -

No chance of soon replenishing his dunny.

The more he thought about all this this the more his worry grew

The poor bloke ended up in quite a state,

And since I wasn’t there just then to give him good advice,

He decided that he’d phone another mate.

This mate’s a bonza fellow – why, he’d give his life for you

But I wouldn’t put much credence in his views,

For although he’s always willing and he’ll do his best to help,

His paddock’s short a good few kangaroos.

He gave Old Blue’s dilemma some considerable thought

And called him back that very afternoon

“I’ve got the answer, mate,” He said “I’ve sussed the whole thing out.

I can’t believe I’ve solved it quite so soon”

Don’t bother stocking up with books – they won’t last anyway,

Already your supply’s begun to dwindle

Just hit the internet, old mate, and Google is your friend -

Find Amazon and buy yourself a Kindle.

[the_great_she_elephant]

If anyone has any suggestions for future instalments, I'd be very happy to hear them.

[icyfroth]

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@the_great_she_elephant wrote:

Thanks Springy 

Old Blue Seeks Advice

Old Blue was getting worried, his supply of dunny books

Was shrinking in a most alarming way

He’d worked his way through Shakespeare – just the covers now were left

And Jane Austen was decreasing by the day.

The local lending library now had padlocks on the door.

And the bog roll situation wasn’t funny

There were rows of empty shelves in supermarkets everywhere -

No chance of soon replenishing his dunny.

The more he thought about all this this the more his worry grew

The poor bloke ended up in quite a state,

And since I wasn’t there just then to give him good advice,

He decided that he’d phone another mate.

This mate’s a bonza fellow – why, he’d give his life for you

But I wouldn’t put much credence in his views,

For although he’s always willing and he’ll do his best to help,

His paddock’s short a good few kangaroos.

He gave Old Blue’s dilemma some considerable thought

And called him back that very afternoon

“I’ve got the answer, mate,” He said “I’ve sussed the whole thing out.

I can’t believe I’ve solved it quite so soon”

Don’t bother stocking up with books – they won’t last anyway,

Already your supply’s begun to dwindle

Just hit the internet, old mate, and Google is your friend -

Find Amazon and buy yourself a Kindle.

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(the coveted -5-laughy face award)

[the_great_she_elephant]

Thanks Icy.

[bright.ton42]

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@the_great_she_elephant wrote:

If anyone has any suggestions for future instalments, I'd be very happy to hear them.

---

Howzabout trying to get an interview with Centrelink?

(Buckleys_)

[domino-710]

What on earth is the ' 5 stars facey award ' .

[icyfroth]

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@domino-710 wrote:

What on earth is the ' 5 stars facey award ' .

---

no such thing