A bit Of Toilet Humour

[the_great_she_elephant]

A bit of toilet  humour to cheer you all up. I wrote this in response to a prank photo that circulated showing empty shelves in Busselton Library .

The Literary Dunny

You’ve heard no doubt, the news about

The current bog roll panic,

With fights in shops and calls to cops

And bogans going manic.

Me old mate, Blue, was in a stew

He didn’t find it funny,

That all around no shop he found

With bogroll for his dunny.

He sat alone upon the ‘throne’

In silent desperation,

But then at last there came a blast -

A flash of inspiration.

“Well b*gger me,” he cried with glee

“I’ll fix those theivin’ crooks.

To wipe me crack I’ll just change tack –

And get meself some books.’

With footsteps light at dead of night

He hit the town library,

And helped himself off every shelf

With speed extraordinary.

Then home he crept while others slept

Triumphant and quite blasé

And quickly took each stolen book

And stashed them in the khazi

“And now” he said “they’ll all be read

By me, when on the loo

And when I’m done, to clean me bum

I’ll use a page or two.

I’ve books that that tease and books that please,

And books would shock a parson

But, stone the crows, who sees or knows

Which words I wipe me a**e on?

The library’s shock to find their stock

So cruelly depleted

Was plain to all – as was their call

That justice out be meted.

The South West Times deplored the crimes,

And called for retribution

But sly old Blue had left no clue,

So dodged a prosecution

The only bloke in on the joke

Is me – and there’s no money

Could tempt me to dob in Old Blue

And his literary dunny.

[the_great_she_elephant]

Old Blue Goes To Centrelink

(this episode comes to you courtesy of Bright.ton, who gave me the idea,)

Me old mate Blue’s a handyman and cleaner at the pub

The hours aren’t long but pay enough to buy his beer and grub.

He reckons “She’ll be apples, just as long as I’ve a bed,

A little bit of tucker and a roof above me head”.

But yesterday he got some news that gave his heart a jar.

The manager informed him “Mate, I’ve got to close the bar.

It’s this Coronavirus thing– there’s nothing I can do’

But let them know at Centrelink and they’ll look after you.

Old Blue got on the phone to me. He told me "I’m in strife.

I’ve never dealt with Centrelink in all me flamin life.

“No worries” I assured him, “I’m your mate –I’ll see you through

I’ll Come round with me laptop and I’ll show you what to do.

But though we sat for what seemed hours at Old Blue’s kitchen table

There was no bloody way I could that mygov site enable

I swore, I thumped the touchpad, but but no matter how I tried,

The only message popping up just said ‘access denied.’

“It’s buggered, Mate,” I said at last “their system’s done a crash.”

You’ll have to front the counter if you want to get some cash.

I’ll take you down this morning and we’ll front them straightaway

Don’t fear you’ll get the bumsrush – I’ll make bloody sure they pay.”

So Blue put on his cleanest jeans to look a bit more smart

And off we set for Centrelink – with courage in our heart.

But when we hit the building, strewth, did we both get a shock!

The queue ran all along the street and right around the block.

To clear it would take Centrelink the best part of a week.

"We’re stuffed,' I groaned “I’m sorry, mate, but things is lookin’ bleak.

We could wait but it’s unlikely that this queue will soon disperse

Or try again tomorrow – but by then it might be worse.

Blue stood there all bewildered – the proverbial stunned mullet

A wave of sheer frustration rose like bile within me gullet

It broke me heart to see his face wear such a hopeless frown

I felt like I had personally let the old bloke down.

But never underestimate an ageing bushie’s wiles

For suddenly “You beaut!” he cried and looked at me, all smiles.

“When things seem desperate” he said "Just cast your mind around

And sure enough there’s always a solution to be found.

I know a way to get us to the head of this here queue,

I’ll only need an hour or so to see the whole thing through

He winked and pulled some money from the pocket of his jeans

“I’’m off to visit Coles” he said “to buy some more baked beans.”

[the_great_she_elephant]

Old Blue At The Pearly Gates.

Old Blue was feeling crook again – his sniffles had returned,

His nose was sore and runny and like fire his poor throat burned.

He told himself, it’s just the flu that’s bungin’ up me head

I won’t disturb the doc, just re-self-isolate instead.

But if there’s somethin’ I could take, me safety to ensure …….

And that was when he called to mind his patent virus cure.

He pulled a dozen tinnies out, and when the last he’d drunk

He staggered to his bedroom and collapsed upon his bunk

Time passed, but then – it seemed to Blue he’d barely closed his eyes -

He felt a strange sensation, and on opening his eyes,

He found that he was standing on a green and pleasant plain

Before a door so splendid that it nearly blew his brain.

It was fashioned out of of nacre - two great interlocking plates.

And he knew at once he stood before the fabled Pearly Gates.

And there stood old St Peter with a big book in his hand,

While round him stood, in robes of white, a large angelic band.

St. Peter checked his book and then he smiled upon Old Blue

“You’ve earned your passage mate,’ he said “I’m here to welcome you

He had a golden key, but as he opened up the door,

A stinking cloud descended and the angels all went “Phworrr!

It was thick and foul and sulpherous – you’d find no counterparts,

Believe me folk, its stench was worse than any of Blue's farts.

The creature that emerged from it was sinister and vile,

If Blue had had a body he’d have run a bloody mile,

He knew what he was dealing with– although it’s fair to say

It was probably the pitchfork that first gave the game away.

Old Nick approached St Peter “This old sinner’s mine,” he cried.

I’ve followed him for years now and I will not be denied.

Don’t let the sod deceive you with his ‘I’m so holy’ game

He’s a serial blashphemer and he takes God’s name in vain.”

St. Peter looked at Blue. He said “To tell the truth you must,

For in this book I’ve got your name inscribed among the just.

I’d like to let you in, but if there’s truth in this bombshell,

’I’ll have to lock the door on you and send you down to hell.”

“Well, stone the crows!” said Bluey, “Look, I’m just a simple bloke

I may have used some dodgy words and cracked the odd off-joke.

But I’ve never killed or cheated or pinched anybody’s money -

The only thing I've ever nicked was paper for me dunny

“He's doomed himself” the devil crowed.  He poked Blue in the bum,

But suddenly a voice roared out. It struck its hearers dumb.

“Be gone, foul fiend” it ordered ‘Scuttle back into your hole.

“How dare you make presumptions on the value of a soull.

I give the judgement here ion who’ll be banished or let in

And it’s my right to overlook a very minor sin

A good heart is what matter’s here and this man’s is true blue

So, Peter, open up that gate and let the old bloke through.”

Old Nick was incandescent, he’d worked up a head of steam,

And now he let it rip it one horrendous primal scream

Then conjuring up a thunderbolt he rode it back to hell

But he left the scream behind him and, by crikey, did it swell.

It rattled round the Pearly gates, and rocked Blue to the core -

Rocked him right out of bed, in fact, and dumped him on the floor.

He sat with head still ringing from that otherworldly scream

“By cripes,” I he said, “I’m still alive. It was a bloody dream”

There’s more to this here story though, I should confess, you see,

The fearful noise that woke Blue up - well that was down to me.

I’d just popped in to check him and make sure he’d had his supper,

And as he was asleep I thought I’d make meself a cuppa

I found some milk and sugar and the tea bags and a mug.

But nowhere could I lay me hands on Blues electric jug.

There’s always a plan B though and for that I had to settle

And boil the water on the stove in Blue’s old whistling kettle.

[bright.ton42]

I was a bit worred there for a moment She El as I thought you'd killed poor old Blue off.

I'm getting quite fond of him.   

Great laugh as usual (and we sure need em)

Another suggestion if I may?

Blue tries to set up his own business as a marriage celebrant?

Tries a few things to make hand sanitizer

A dog walker

[domino-710]

Bright - you are quite ' special '.

[bright.ton42]

Why, thank you Ms Domino  

[domino-710]

---

@bright.ton42 wrote:

Why, thank you Ms Domino  

---

You are more than welcome. (smile).

Dom - will do nicely. lol

[the_great_she_elephant]

Old Blue Gets Tested.

I called on Blue this morning, he still seemed a little shaken,

It might have been, of course, from all that ‘medicine’ he’d taken.

But still, he looked unwell and for a moment there last night,

I’d feared I might have lost him - it had given me a fright.

“We have to be quite sure,” I said “and clear up any doubt.

“I’ll take you to the clinic now and get this sorted out.

I know you don’t like doctors, Blue, but sometimes they know best.

It’s time to bite the bullet, mate, and get that virus test."

He took it rather badly as I’d feared that he might do

He’s got a heart gold – but he’s a stubborn bugger too.

"That bloody test," he grumbled ‘"it’s a rip off, mate, I’m sure.

The thing that’s goin’ to fix me is me patent virus cure."

The grumbling continued as I drove him into town

“I just don’t trust them medicos” he told me with a frown,

The poke you and they prod you and they treat you like you’re dumb,

And they either shove things down your throat or stick them up your bum”.

Inside the clinic, once again Old Blue took me to task

“I’m nearly chokin’ he complained “in this here facial mask.

And do we know for certain every surface here is clean

And who they might have tested and how sick they might have been?

All them buggers comin’ through with coughs and colds,” he said

The thought of all their germs is fairly doin’ in me head.

I think I’ll sling me hook, mate, let’s go back home straight away,

And if me booze don’t cure me, I’ll come back another day”.

His voice began to wobble and his hands began to shake,

And that was when it dawned on me I’d made a big mistake,

It should have been quite obvious to anyone who cared.

Blue wasn’t being stroppy - the poor bugger was **bleep** scared.

I thought of what he’d said to me while we were driving here

And suddenly the penny dropped – it now seemed very clear

It wasn’t fear the virus was about to cause him harm.

But plain old ‘doctorphobia’ had triggered his alarm.

They showed us to a cubicle, I coaxed him to be seated.

It broke my heart to see him look so frightened and defeated

“Hang in there, Blue,” I told him “This ordeal will soon be over.

They can’t hurt you, you’re tougher than an old time cattle drover.

A doctor then approached us – with the test gear in his hand,

Old Blue let out a strangled yelp and made as if to stand

“Relax,” I said, ‘He knows his stuff, he does this every day.”

But Bluey made no answer – he had fainted clean away.

Quick as a flash I laid him out upon the clinic floor

And then I grasped him by the chin and prised apart his jaw.

Now hurry up, I told the doc, ‘Lets do this bloody job

You shove that swab thing down his throat, while I hold wide his gob’

Our task we’d just completed when Blue opened both his eyes,

He blinked and yawned, then turned on me a look of great surprise

I watched a sheepish little grin across his features flit,

“By cripes, mate, you were right,’ he said “It didn’t hurt a bit.”

[the_great_she_elephant]

While Blue is recovering from his ordeal at the virus clinic, I've had to look further afield for inspiration. this is what came to me at about 3 o'clock his morning.

The Wisdom Of A Shock Jock.

We’ll all be doomed,” the shock jock sneered, in accents most superior,
Ensconced behind his microphone upon his plump posterior.
“That’s what those loonie leftist scum would have us all believe,
Don’t listen to the **bleep**s – they’ve got treason up their sleeve.
The lying commie sods have an agenda all their own.
They want to break our courage down and scare us to the bone.
And once we’re cowed and beaten and our spirits ripe for lootin’
They’ll seize this bloody country, folks, and sell us out to Putin!

It’s true that there’s a virus and we’ve had a death or two,
But nothing like the number who died last year from the flu.
And the oldies and health compromised – the ones who wound up dead
Could just as easily have died from something else instead.
This bull**bleep** about distancing and strict self-isolation.
Is that the ANZAC spirit, that inspired our Aussie Nation?
Rise up folks, Let’s all make a pledge: we’ll never skive off work,
To sit at home on handouts like a socialistic jerk.”

His session done, the shock jock leaned back smugly in his chair
And smirked at an assistant who was standing humbly there.
“Watch and learn,” he told him “This is how I made my name”
I know just what it takes to play the patriotic game.
I bet I’ve stirred the heart of every bigot in the land
Just watch the feedback and you’ll see – they’re eating from my hand,
I’m like their flamin’ guru, mate, the buggers worship me,
Now, where’s that lazy **bleep** they pay to make my morning tea.

The minion looked quite stricken, there were tears in his eyes.
“You mean they haven’t told you yet?” he asked in shocked surprise.
“You haven’t heard the dreadful news – what’s happened to poor Liza?
And why they’ve scrubbed the kitchen – it still reeks of sanitiser?
She had some flu-like symptoms and she thought it might be best
Although she wasn’t very sick, to go and get the test
But now she’s crooker than a dog, the test was positive
And they’ve taken her to hospital - they’re not sure if she’ll live.

The minion heard the sudden scrape of chair legs on the floor -
The noise of running feet that made a beeline for the door.
And the war-cry of a shock jock, disappearing through the gate.
"We’ll all be doomed I tell you “If we don’t self-isolate!"

[the_great_she_elephant]

I should also extend my thanks to John O'brien and Hanrahan.

[the_great_she_elephant]

While Blue and I are in a state of semi hibernation

On account of this here virus that is sweeping through the nation.

I thought I’d entertain you with an anecdote BP

(that means ‘before the plague’ as I am sure that you can see.)

        Old Blue Takes To Horticulture

Old Bluey had decided that he ought to get a hobby,

His working hours weren’t long and he was getting a bit slobby

He’d watched some gardening shows and thought it might be rather fun

To grow himself some veggies he could share with everyone.

A mate had mentioned, rather drunk, on one of their card nights,

He was growing some tomatoes; in his attic; under lights.

An odd place for a garden, but no matter, thought Old Blue,

I’ll just pop round and see if he can spare a plant of two.

But when in all his innocence he knocked upon the door,

The reception he received it nearly dropped him to the floor.

His mate turned really stroppy, and he slammed the door on Blue,

Which got the old bloke’s dander up and made him stroppy too.

If that old sod’s too tight thought Blue, to spare me one small seedling

He needn’t think I’’ll crawl to him a beggin’ and wheedlin’.

“I’ll sort the bleeper out.” he said (I won’t repeat the name)

He’ll soon find out there’s two of us can play that little game.

Now Blue knew where his ex-mate hid the door key to his house;

So he waited till the bloke went out, then quiet as a mouse,

And using stealth that might have been a touch melodramatic,

He tiptoed up the stairs and stole a seedling from the attic.

At home he had prepared for it a handy wooden tub -

A barrel that he’d found down in the cellar of the pub.

He’d filled it with a potting mix called ‘quickgro number one’.

And placed it in the garden in a spot that got some sun.

Blue nourished his tomato plant with tender loving care.

And thought with pleasure of the day its bounty he would share

He sprayed it and he watered it, he checked it day and night,

But as the weeks went by he felt that something wasn’t right.

It was growing big and bushy, it was lush and it was green,

But  signs of yellow flowers on it were nowhereto be seen.

Without those flower there’d be no fruit – he’d read that in a book

And so he rang and asked me if I’d come and take a look.

I came. I looked. “Oh **bleep**!” I said and stared at it again.

Memories of me misspent youth went roarin’ through me brain.

I ain’t no bloody gardener but one thing I knew for sure

You’d not buy that tomato plant in any Bunning store.

“Oh Gawd,” I said “Old mate, we need to sort this out real quick’

If anybody sees that thing, you’ll end up in the nick

We’ve got to hide the evidence and make the whole place clean

Before some bugger shops you and the cops come on the scene.”

Old Blue was flabberghasted when he learnt just what was what.

“By cripes, you’re right” he said, “we’d better burn the bloody lot.

We’ll need a stack of kindling, but there’s plenty in the shed,

You gab that while I go inside and find a match,” he said.

We pulled the plant out of its pot and laid it on the ground.

And stacked some crumpled paper and the kindling all around.

Then Blue applied a match to it and quickly made a fire

And our nerves began to settle as the flames and smoke grew higher’

Now just what happened after that I’m really not quite sure.

I know the world took on a glow it hadn’t had before.

I remember how we laughed as we cavorted round the flames,

And told a lot of silly jokes and played some silly game;

And then we must have slept and it was evening when we woke.

The bonfire’s flames had died away and so had all the smoke.

So as the sinking sun between the trees began to slant

We sat and sniffed the ashes of Old Blue’s tomato plant.