Bad Jokes - heard any lately?

[donnashuggy]

We have a lot of backpackers in bondi so the joke going around is the only way to get rid of them is to let Ivan Milat out on weekend release here.

Share yours here 🙂

[colic2bullsgirlore]

14 of the best (worst) unintentonial sport/news commentator double entendres blunders of all time

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -

"And this is Gregoriava..... from Bulgaria...... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator -

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator -

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said:

"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,

"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

13  Brian Johnson English cricket commentator (extremely plum accent)

"The Bowlers' Holding ,... The batsman's Willey"

14 David Coleman athlestics commentator:

"And there is the great Cuban runner Alberto Juantorena, opening his legs wide and showing us all his class."



 

[darksideofthemoon]

Bloke to gorgeous woman at a party "You wanna see 8 inches?"

She, looking him up and down, "doubt you could get it up twice in one night".

[the_bob_delusion]

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@just*duff wrote:

~ dont know about bad, but Jimmy is hiarious, bound to find a bad joke in here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rzb_p1mRW1M

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Looks like we have the same taste in Comedians. I mention him all the time and none of my friends have heard of him. 

[1966kelso]

Not really a joke, but I did find the signature at the end amusing

[the_great_she_elephant]

The Octopus Joke is one of my family's Christmas traditions. Uncle Mal (no 4 son) is the traditional keeper of the joke (though his nephew has just been initiated into keeperhood for the next generation) and is called upon to perform it every Christmas - and at many other family gathereings. The humour is mainly in the body language and facial expressions and you really need to 'be there' to appreciate it fully.

Don't worry it's perfectly clean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWN02K-pNh8

[buzzlightyearsgirlfriend]

Love it she-ele!

Here's my favourite bad joke, The Duck Joke:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?  "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a large black Labrador Retriever.  As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog, took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....

[darksideofthemoon]

[serendipityricho]

Colic--would like to sit around a campfire with you.

Last time i posted this -i got hate mail.

Whats the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Vacuum cleaner?

A Vacuum cleaner--the dirt bag is on the inside lol..........Richo.

[boris1gary]

Alan Jones.