Bad Jokes - heard any lately?

[donnashuggy]

We have a lot of backpackers in bondi so the joke going around is the only way to get rid of them is to let Ivan Milat out on weekend release here.

Share yours here 🙂

[imastawka]

Paul McCartney was aked if he would go down on one knee again

He replied "Just call her Heather"

and gone in  3...  2...  1...

        

[grandmoon]

I have heard some bad ones lately. 

But they were so bad I can't rememberr them.

[colic2bullsgirlore]

A guy is driving around somewhere beyond the black stump out behind the back paddock and he sees a sign in front of
a broken down shanty:

‘Talking Dog For Sale

‘He knocks on the door and the owner appears and tells him the dog is out the back.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.

‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s
your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the

government, so I told ASIO.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from state to state and country to country, sitting in rooms with spies, drug dealers, state and  country leaders,

I got away with it because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

" I was their most valuable spies for eight years running …... not counting the budgerigar..."

the lab said

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed

up for a job at Mascot to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in".

I helped uncover The Hilton bombers,  Skase, Robert Trimbole, Mr Asia, Fat Tony... just to name a few...

and was awarded a heap of medals.’

‘Then....  settled down andI got married, had 4 litters of puppies with my **bleep**, and now I’m just retired.’

The bloke is absolutely amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

‘Ten bucks,’ the bloke says.

.....‘Ten bucks?.....

This dog is amazing! Why the  **bleep** are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because... the bloke says

.. Because he's a  **Bullsheeter**

........ I have had him sionce he was a pup,,,,,He’s never been out of the **bleep** back yard’......

[colic2bullsgirlore]

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

[colic2bullsgirlore]

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said

“Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”.

The voice said

“So what are you up to?”.

I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”.

From next door, “Can I come over?”.

Annoyed, I said,

“rather busy right now”.

The voice said,

“Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions”

[colic2bullsgirlore]

What do you call dangerous precipitation?

A rain of terror

[chuk_77]

---

@colic2bullsgirlore wrote:

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

---

oh dear, hahahaha

[j*oono]

You're doing this all wrong Colic.  This is for BAD jokes 

[colic2bullsgirlore]

I do  bad taste

   

A young guy from N.T. moves to QLD. He goes to a big “everything under one roof” store looking for a sales job.
T
he Manager says,

“Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says,

“Yeah. I was a salesman back in N.T.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job looked rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid says,

“One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The kid says “$101,237.65.”

The boss says “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fishhook.......

Then I sold him a medium fishhook.......

Then I sold him a larger fishhook.......

“Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said

....."down the coast,"....

“So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.”

“Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Hummer 4×4.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you ended up selling him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!”

The kid said, “Well actually , the guy came in here on a  Friday arvo mistakenly looking to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s ***bleeped**, you should go fishing.’”