Veryhandythings - I do appreciate your opinion and certainly agree with your statement:
In order to move on, you need something to move on to.
But that's not as easy as it sounds. Plans for the future always involved Mr Ex. We were going to eventually buy a home, travel to Italy, grow old together ...
You grieve for the loss of the person you loved, you grieve for the loss of your relationship and you grieve for the loss of what you thought was your future. Add the shock of infidelity, the eroding of your self-esteem and that's a pretty big trauma to have to deal with.
I must admit I had a bit of a giggle when you said a new man is the answer. Perhaps it is for some women. But not for me at this stage in my life. I want to work on why I attracted a man like Mr Ex in the first place.
However, I agree I need something to move on to. I need hope for the future. But the problem is, for 10 years, my future involved Mr Ex. Now I have to work out what it is I want. And I don't know what it is I do want. It's not easy to work that out while your still grieving. Grieving is emotionally exhaustive. It saps your energy.
What I do want to say though, to those in the same situation, is that it's okay to have days of despair. Anniversaries can be particularly difficult. Stay in bed if you want. Cry if you want. Reach out to others or lock the door and turn off the phone. Buy yourself orange roses :-x , treat yourself to something nice. Pour out your emotions in a forum, expose your feelings for all the world to see or just tell your loved ones you are 'tired' and need some space. Drink a bottle of wine, eat chocolate, start jogging, sit in the corner rocking and moaning. It's all good.
I learned this when my first baby was stillborn. You do what you do to get through the pain. I stayed in bed for months playing sad music. I read the Obituaries every day for a year just to feel connected with others who were grieving. I volunteered to work at the Childrens Hospital, cuddling babies. That was my job. Touch heals. It helped ease the "empty arms" sensation. I went to Uni to study Social Work and did major studies on the effects of losing a baby to Stillbirth and Neonatal Death. I gave talks to the Childbirth Association Of Australia.
I allowed myself to fully grieve and give back to the community.
I guess that's what I'm doing now, in a small way, with this forum. I'm exposing it all for the "world" to see. This IS the devastation caused by infidelity. This IS one woman's journey, the good and the bad.
Hmmm. I actually feel better. My grief has a purpose. From the emails I've received in the last 12 months, there are many that feel their loved ones and friends don't always understand and reading this thread helps them feel understood. I understand that. I've told no one in RL about how I'm feeling lately. I've just said I feel tired. I don't want to burden them.
I feel a bit better now. Thanks for listening :^O
Hugs to all :-x
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