@margomeoz wrote:
My advice would be to get over yourself.
Whenever I see or hear younger people say how hard it is to care for their parents i always wonder how it is that 1 mother can look after 10 children but 10 children can't seem to look after 1 mother.
While that is a reasonable remark for parents who have a number of children to look after them, what would you suggest for those of us who are only children?
I am the only child of only children so I had no help at all from siblings or other extended family.
I helped my mother look after her parents, my grandparents, until their deaths in their 90s. My grandfather was in a nursing home for a year or so as he had dementia and could not stay at home but my grandmother was at home till the day she died at 93.
Luckily both my parents were very active at the time so the extra running round did not worry them too much. Just 9 years later my mother unexpectedly needed heart surgery and 6 months later she was gone. While it was a short illness it was quite stressful for me. I only lived 2 blocks away so getting there every day was easy enough but persuading Mum that she needed help was a different matter. Unfortunately Dad aided and abetted her by declaring that he was going to do everything for her.
While Mum was eventually happy enough to accept help with the housework, getting Dad out of the way was a different matter entirely. Mum always kept a list of things she had "forgotten" at the shops and would send Dad off to get something. It just gave me enough time to dust one day, vaccuum another, do the bathroom another day and so on. All it cost was the extra petrol for the unnecessary trips to the shops....I was occasionally caught out and would get a dirty look from Dad but I don't think he woke up to the fact that it was a set up every time.
But looking after Dad was a different matter entirely....he was so independent that it was almost impossible to do things for him.
He did let me keep his freezer full of favourite foods that Mum used to cook and my husband suddenly became completely unable to do home repairs such as rewire the flyscreens with out the help of my father's tools.
Dad loved to potter in his workshop so I shunted the two of them out the door and grabbed the vaccuum cleaner and mop.
That worked for a few years until he had a mild stroke and then I had to bring in the big guns...my 2 daughters and 2 granddaughters.
He was putty in their hands and doted on his great grandies. But as they lived about 3 hours drive away we had to time their visits for when it would keep Dad occupied for long enough for us to do what was necessary.
I have to say, without the help of my children and grandchildren I would have been really struggling to take proper care of Dad. He hated the meals on wheels food....much of it ended up in the garbage, and he could not be bothered getting food out of the freezer towards the end. He refused any home help...didn't believe they were not going to rob him blind.
I had 6 months of tearing my hair out....he was assessed for all these home help services which he refused, refused to move in with me or to have me stay overnight, even a few times a week but kept insisting that my eldest daughter should give up work to look after him. That was definitely not an option and it was not an option for him to live with his other granddaughter either as she had 2 and 4 year olds. He loved them but was exhausted after a few hours of their company so living with them was out.
Finally he developed an infection which put him in hospital. While there he had a bad fall and it was obvious that he could no longer live alone. After 8 weeks of very little improvement the doctors decided to fast track him into a nursing home. The decision was made on the Friday and he was in a very nice place very close to home by the following Wednesday.
I have to admit it was a relief for everybody. To know that someone else was worrying about what he was eating and when, keeping an eye on him and knowing he had 24 hour help available. It became a pleasure to visit him at a time that was convenient for us rather than when he needed medication etc. even though he had dementia by this time and half the time his grandchildren had no idea what he was talking about. lol
