Hubby and I are separating - any advice welcome.

[ashjoma]

Hi all,
Hubby and I are separating after 27 years. We plan to stay on good terms and work together.
I am staying in the family home with my 2 youngest children. We own this house.
We are jointly buying a unit. He will live there. My oldest will live with him
They will move in 2 weeks

Any advice ?
How to manage / cope / budget / communicate
I am working 2 days a week and am not sure if I can continue this now but I suppose time will see

I know lots of others have done this before and want to avoid any mistakes or ugliness.

Thanks

[icyfroth]

That's sad, Ash.

Looks like you've got it sorted, though.

As long as you can stay good friends and consult with each other re family and financial/property matters, you'll be ok. You've got your kids with you, so you won't be lonely.

[jean2579]

Ash, I am so sorry to hear this. It must have been a hard decision for both of you. Please be easy on yourself and make some time for you.

[poddster]

It might work as long as neither of you get involved with another partner. That might change your attitudes towards each other 😞

I wish you luck

[youcandoityoucandoityoucandoit]

Sorry to read that ash That is such a long time.

One of the best pieces of advice I could give you is to write lists- eg lists of all you own, so that what you want to keep is there in black & white- more equitable, less emotional, no future disputes..

are you able to get more work where you are already employed? Even if its short term, that will save some stress for you, there will be enough changes to get used to soon enough, without adding the pressure of a new job..and having enough money to pay for everything yourself will also stress you less.

If you can also figure out the kids schedules so that access is clear, I think thats a very good idea..you dont want to become the only 'taxi' in the family..and the kids will most probably want to see each other if they live separately and dont go to school together...

I guess another thing is, that expect it to be stressful- it wont be perfect to begin with, take lots of deep breaths, take time out for yourself and go easy on the expectations...everyone can only do what they can..

wish you all the best..

[***super_nova***]

Sorry to read that.  My advice is to go and see a solicitor so you know exactly where you stand.  Sadly, many amicable separations ended up much less amicable once there is a new spouse, who does not like the ex having the house and getting part of his pay packet.  Knowing exactly where you stand legally gives you better understanding of your entitlements, and if it comes to arguments you know what is reasonable and what not.

[lurker172602]

Sorry to hear that.  I have no advice to offer, just wanted to say good on you both for seemingly working this out amicably, and good luck to you.

[cat_mioux]

I'm also sorry to hear you and your husband are separating.

I have no advice really ... except to be civil for the kids as much as you both can be which sounds like it's do-able. Sometimes you have to pick your battles so to speak.

I think it's very sad when people decide to break up after decades of marriage. Personally I'm happier my relationship ended but it was abusive and he cheated on me so being alone is way better than being in a loveless abusive marriage.

But ... life on the other side isn't always better. Your children will soon grow up and leave home. If you don't meet a wonderful normal emotionally healthy man (and to do so at this age .. you'd have better odds being invited by NASA to go live on the moon) then you'll be single for the rest of your life and honestly that sucks.

So if you think there is the slightest hope of you and your husband working on your relationship I'd go for it, if he is willing as well. It may take a lot of work and you may have to forget the fantasy romance but it's better to have a life companion who cares for your kids as much as you do, than to be alone.

I wish you well 🙂

[opmania]

Sorry to hear of your split after so many years I am sure it can't be easy although you sound very together in yourself about the situation. You need to be strong and will help if you have friends and family that can support you.
Being on Good terms with an x can be done but this should be on your terms and as super nova said it can't hurt to see a lawyer and have all you have discussed put in writing and be sure where you stand legally. Things can quickly turn nasty. Especially when your ex takes advantage of his new found freedom and takes up with another woman. Then problems start with someone else trying to mother your kids you are not going to like that one bit.
When parents break up b it is a big shock to the children and this is going to be further impacted in your case with the loss of a sibling also.
Not a great idea if you can avoid it or maybe just delay the older child leaving until things settle maybe
Remember that you are breaking up with your husband and not your children they have a very strange way of interpreting things
Do not allow your husband to manipulate the children or even do it yourself many times children become unsuspecting and innocent pawns in games people play and could be damaging to them
The most important thing for you is to stand on your c own two feet and be strong and always put your children first

[village_person]

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@ashjoma wrote:
Hi all,
Hubby and I are separating after 27 years. We plan to stay on good terms and work together.

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With that as one of your aims I don't think you need advice. You sound like a very rational and practical person.

Good luck to ALL of you.