Our 20 year-old Son Justin drove home from work, had dinner, sat down at the computer & played a few games, then simply slid off the chair, by the time he hit the floor he was gone (he didn’t make a sound). He was diagnosed with HOCM (Hypertrophic Obstructive Cardiomyopathy" at birth, a congenital heart condition, however the heart specialists, in their infinite wisdom never informed OH & I that this particular heart condition always resulted in sudden death. The shock to both of us was absolutely devastating; I walked, crawled around the house in a daze, totally incapable of doing anything, the Doctor tried 3 different types of anti-depressants, all of which seemed to be pushing my memories of Justin to the back of my mind, I didn’t want that to happen, I wanted to remember everything about him, his handsome face, his smile which could light up a room, his beautiful loving nature, so I stopped taking the medication & went ‘cold turkey’, definitely not a pretty sight, but my husband & DD were patient, caring and totally wonderful and, yes I thought about suicide many times, then finally realized what a selfish act that would be because I had a choice to live or die and Justin didn’t, he would never forgive me for being so thoughtless and putting his Father and Sister through more pain.
This year is the 20th anniversary of his passing, he’s been gone as long as he lived and, all I can say is that it just gets longer not better, the pain has not and will not ever go away, you just become better able to cope and it’s a little easier to put on your “public face”; for those who lose a child we become excellent actors for the benefit of those who just don’t/want to understand because they have never ‘worn our shoes’. Even my dear Mother (now deceased) mentioned that I wasn’t the same person, that I had changed, of course I’d changed, I had no choice, my whole world tilted sideways, and nothing would ever be the same.
My daughter is now married with a 10 year-old daughter, and she has made certain that although Niamh never saw her Uncle Justin she knows everything about him, she even has a photograph of him on her bedside table, she says he watches over her and keeps her safe, and she’s so very like him, not in looks, but her outlook on life & bubbly personality.
I still light a candle for Justin every night, it’s my way of keeping reasonably normal, others would probably think I’m insane, but I just don’t care.
