Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

She whispered "will it hurt me?" "Of course not" answered he "It's a very simple process, You can rely on me." She said "I'm very frightened, I've not had this before. My friend has had it five times And said it can be sore." It was growing rather painful Tears formed in her eyes It was hurting quite a bit now It must have been a size. "Calm yourself" he whispered "His face filled with a grin "Try and open wider So I can get it in." "It's coming now" he whispered "I know" she cried in bliss Feeling it deep within her now She said "I am glad I'm having this." And with a final effort She gave a frightened shout He gripped it in anguish And quickly pulled it out. She lay back quite contended Sighed and gave a smile She said "I'm glad I came now You made it worth my while." Now if you read this carefully The dentist you will find Is not what you imagined It's just your dirty mind...

[tommy.irene]

A small boy named Bruce lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia. None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad Bruce". One day Bruce 's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Bruce, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner! Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a heart-surgeon? Sometimes I worry about you:

[this-one-time-at-bandcamp]

The teacher was giving her 3rd grade students a letter of the alphabet, from which they had to make a word.  She was carefully avoiding little Tommy, because she knew he would produce an expletive.  Finally she decided to give him the letter "R", knowing that no swear words started with that letter.  Tommy replied, "Rat...........a greet big fooking rat!"

[tommy.irene]

A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bartender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk.

[tommy.irene]

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

[tommy.irene]

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street." "No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?" "Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?" "Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?" "Beloit, in Wisconsin." "No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?" "Kevin Sullivan dorm." "Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ." Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?" Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing." A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

[tommy.irene]

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[tommy.irene]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says......... "What would they want with a plasterer??!"

[this-one-time-at-bandcamp]

A woman with a toad on her head enters the bar.  The barkeep comments, "That's an ugly pig you've got there"..........

The woman replies, "My good man, this happens to be a toad".........

Barkeep: "I know, I was talking to the toad".........

[tommy.irene]

Andrew and Evan save up their money and decide to travel in a hot air balloon around the world. Several days into their trip Andrew says to Evan, "Aah, we're flying over France!" "How do you know that?" asks Evan. "Easy! You can see the Eiffel Tower from up here!" It's a few days later and, again, Andrew says to Evan, "We're above America now!" "How can you tell?" asks a puzzled Evan. "Well if you look just there you can see the Statue of Liberty!" On their last day Andrew looks over and says, "Today we're flying over Liverpool!" Evan looks as hard as he can but can see nothing on the ground that sticks out. Confused, he asks Andrew, "How the **bleep** can you know that?!" Andrew replies, "Because SOMEONE'S NICKED MY WATCH!"