Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

An Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face. "I'm English..." Said the Englishman. The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..." The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..." "Paddy..." Replies the Irishman. "Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest. The Irishman who slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies,"Sagittarius..."

[kopenhagen5]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[tommy.irene]

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."

[tommy.irene]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Paddy was walking down the street when he sees a sandwich on the pavement. He goes over & realizes there are wires sticking from it! He thinks to himself 'OMG Oi tink its a bomb!' So he runs to the phone box & rings the police. he says 'Oi was just walkin' down the street when I spotted this sandwich on the pavement. Then I realize its got wires sticking out of it' The officer on the other end is typing in details to the computer and asks 'Is it ticking?' Paddy thinks carefully for a few seconds then replies slowly ' No ... I tink its beef!'.........

[tommy.irene]

I couldn't find that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots so I ask the kids if they had seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday

[tommy.irene]

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

[tommy.irene]

The Best Assignment Ever. This Little Girl Is Going Places. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?" Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[tommy.irene]

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.