Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

[tommy.irene]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table." The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't. She just walked in.

[tommy.irene]

My boss called me into his office today. He said, "I've heard a little rumour that you are going to be sick for the next two weeks just so you can go on your mate's stag do in Vegas." I said, "That's correct." He said, "Well, in that case I have no choice but to let you go." I said, "Cheers mate, I appreciate that."

[tommy.irene]

A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says, "I have faith, God will save me." The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says, "I have faith, God will save me." The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying, "I have faith, God will save me." The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replies, "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!"

[tommy.irene]

As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not. He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. “Well,” trainer said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.” The man was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where they were. Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before? Failure is part of learning; we should never give up the struggle in life.

[tommy.irene]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[tommy.irene]

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow." Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old." Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?" Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 12 months.."

[tommy.irene]

An old man walking along the river bank suddenly spotted a boy drowning in the river. The man started shouting "HELP! HELP! I can't swim", a man passing by the road shouted back "Will you ever grow up! I also can't ride a bicycle but you'll never hear me yelling about it in the street"

[tommy.irene]

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen. Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper. "I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing. Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!" "Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?" "It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired." "Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard." "Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"

[tommy.irene]

I took my dog to the dole office yesterday to see what benefits he was entilited to, the man behind the counter said " you idiot we don't give dogs benefits" so I argued, why not? He's Brown, he stinks, he's never worked a day in his life and he can't speak a word of English... The man behind the counter said his first payment will be on Monday!!