Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show. And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email? How stupid are we? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day! What a bunch of bull**bleep**. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times.... I don't care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't **bleep** people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the **bleep** of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email. Now forward this to everyone you know... Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals. Have a nice day. Billy Connolly

[domino-710]

Tommy,

Love your input.

Have difficulty reading.

No paragraphs.

Separate - easier to read.

Happy to hear - in your part of the world - you are doing well..

Stay safe.

[tommy.irene]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "Alan, I have some good news and, I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right." Alan replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, : "The pictures are of you with your secretary....

[tommy.irene]

Bloke at the races whispers to Paddy, "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy says, "No thanks, I've only got a small garden".

[tommy.irene]

The regular taster at a winery died and the director had to look for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” -“That’s correct”, said the boss. The boss handed him another glass. “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” -“Correct.” A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father.”

[tommy.irene]

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice." At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, "Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting."

[tommy.irene]

A woman offers a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answers the ad, but he’s slightly disbelieving. “What’s the catch?” he inquires. -“No catch,” the woman answers. “My husband died, and in his will, he asked that the car be sold and the money goes to his secretary.”

[tommy.irene]

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20's, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was." "Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked. "Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

[tommy.irene]

polish immigrant goes to specsavers for an eye test opticain shows him a card with the letters czwixnostacz. can you read that ? the pole says.. read it ,i know the family

[tommy.irene]

A very sad day today. After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all that training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet.