Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

Two Irishmen were strolling down Oxford Street in London.
Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"
Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin, so we would."
Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."
Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."
"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."
So the two go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression; "Alwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind, I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."
Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles and says to Paddy, "You're Irish aren't you?"
Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"
The owner replied, "Because this is a Dry Cleaners!!..

[tommy.irene]

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?" The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!" The cop says, “Really! Why is that? The driver replies," I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."

[tommy.irene]

I said to the mrs last weekend lets go out for the evening ?? She comes out with that womans classic "I got nothing to wear" so I said to her wear what you wore last time we went out....you looked lovely ...so there we were in the car. me in jeans and shirt and her in her wedding dress .

[tommy.irene]

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

[tommy.irene]

Barman says to Paddy "Your glass is empty, fancy another one?"
lookin' puzzled Paddy says "Why would l want two empty glasses?"

[tommy.irene]

An elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a long divorce trial. The judge asked why they wanted a divorce after having been married for nearly 70 years. They answered:" We wanted to wait, till after the kids had died".

[tommy.irene]

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?” The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”

[tommy.irene]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What’s are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?” The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” The dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

[tommy.irene]

Paddy from the Falls Road goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour?" "£100," she replies. So he asks, "Okay do you do West Belfast style?" She says "No!" He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it West Belfast style?" She again says no, not knowing what West Belfast style was! So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you £500 to go West Belfast style with me!" Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could West Belfast style be?" So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'West Belfast style' come in?" Paddy replies . . . "I'll pay you next week!

[tommy.irene]

Modern Technology I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on papers.' 'Here, you can borrow my iPad.' I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it.