Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary."Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old , and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with.""That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"....

[twyngwyn]

[tommy.irene]

GOOD: A Bend ,Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)lol! BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton, Oregon. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. BEST: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

[tommy.irene]

Customer: What does this fly at the bottom of my cup mean? Waiter: It means that the fly does not know how to swim!

[tommy.irene]

A man goes to a doctor, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?” "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" says the doctor, "They just came out with this new wonder drug that does the trick! You take the pill and your problems are history.” The doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of days later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" yells the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!” "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased doctor, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet!"

[tommy.irene]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bath tub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it "pasteurized?" Wait for it .... Wait for it ..... Wait for it The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

[cee-dee]

One afternoon, wealthy Tommy was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then" Tommy replied.

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered

.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as Tommy's limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Tommy replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

[cee-dee]

In a small town in Ireland, a prosecuting lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Mulligan, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Molloy. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Mulligan, do you know our friend for the defense?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Fitzpatrick since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire county. Yes, I know him."

At this point, Tommy, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

[tommy.irene]

“Hey Doc. What’s the news?” “I got bad news and even badder news.” “I’ll take the bad news first.” “You’re going to die in one day.” “Man that is bad news, what can be even badder than that???" “I was trying to reach you since yesterday.”

[tommy.irene]

Heard about the two blondes who were found starving and freezing to death at the drive inn? They thought closed for winter was a movie.