Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

Two women met in heaven who were previous acquaintances on earth. One said, "I can't believe you're here so soon what happened?". She exclaimed, "I froze to death!" The other said, "That's terrible how'd it happen?". "Well I started shivering uncontrollably, fell asleep and here I am!" Then she asked how her friend died. She exclaimed "I had a heart attack! I came home to find my husband sitting in his lazy chair and I just knew it was cheating on me so I ran around the house looking everywhere for another woman I looked in the basement looked in the attic look behind the shower curtain in the bathroom and I ran myself into a frenzy and collapsed of a heart attack. Finally her friend replied "If you would have just look in the freezer we both still be alive!'.

[tommy.irene]

Was looking at pictures of towns covered in mud and **bleep** when the floodwaters finally receded and commented that they could do with a good shower of rain to clear that away... Got abuse from all angles... Some people that have lost all their personal belongings just have no sense of humour...

[tommy.irene]

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a town he planned to visit on his holiday. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?” An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

[tommy.irene]

The next one is a 

[tommy.irene]

SNIPE 535

[tommy.irene]

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

[tommy.irene]

CD goes to visit a temple on a top of Mt. Abu, where the roads are like a zig-zag. At the starting point towards the Temple, a man tells CD that it will be better to take his car in reverse to the top of Mt. Abu as there will be no space at the top to turn around up there. So, as per the guidelines given by the man, CD, goes to the top of Mt. Abu in reverse. After sometime the CD comes down of the hill in reverse.. When the man sees him, he asks CD why he came down the hill in a reverse gear. CD replies that he got some space at the top of the hill so he reversed his car.

[cee-dee]

  Tommy, a prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin argument on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told him, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake Tommy...

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108 years old!"

[tommy.irene]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked. The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like..?" The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?" The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that dog"

[tommy.irene]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverblack gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does." She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door and shoved her in. "Now Tell him you have a headache..."