Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

Once a fisherman was sitting near seashore, under the shadow of a tree smoking his beedi. Suddenly a rich businessman passing by approached him and enquired as to why he was sitting under a tree smoking and not working. To this the poor fisherman replied that he had caught enough fishes for the day.Hearing this the rich man got angry and said: Why don’t you catch more fishes instead of sitting in shadow wasting your time?Fisherman asked: What would I do by catching more fishes?Businessman: You could catch more fishes, sell them and earn more money, and buy a bigger boat.Fisherman: What would I do then?Businessman: You could go fishing in deep waters and catch even more fishes and earn even more money.Fisherman: What would I do then?Businessman: You could buy many boats and employ many people to work for you and earn even more money.Fisherman: What would I do then?Businessman: You could become a rich businessman like me.Fisherman: What would I do then?Businessman: You could then enjoy your life peacefully.Fisherman: Isn’t that what I am doing now? Moral – You don’t need to wait for tomorrow to be happy and enjoy your life. You don’t even need to be more rich, more powerful to enjoy life. LIFE is at this moment, enjoy it fully.

[tommy.irene]

A left wing politician, a BBC TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying, The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV, The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the **bleep**. This was carried out, as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, because said the trooper, when we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair of **bleep**s saying it was an unprovoked attack!

[tommy.irene]

A left wing politician, a BBC TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying, The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV, The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the **bleep**. This was carried out, as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, because said the trooper, when we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair saying it was an unprovoked attack!

[tommy.irene]

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew having a snack. "Where's your mother?" I asked. "She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower. Hang on, let me check." He stepped into the nearby bathroom and flushed the toilet. A second later a sharp yell came from upstairs. My nephew walked back out and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

[tommy.irene]

A pirate goes to the doctors Worried the moles on his back Are cancerous It's ok says the doctor There benign Count them again doc Says the pirate I recon There be at least ten

[tommy.irene]

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

[tommy.irene]

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in… …. …. George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia’s customs and social graces. He had memorized Moscow street maps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian. … … The big day finally came, and he was parachuted into the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center. “Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?”, he asked the conductor in authentic Russian. “5 Rubles, Comrade American”, came the reply. Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar. “It’s just around the block, Comrade American.” Keats’ doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka. … “Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?”, the bartender asked. Keats threw a fit. “What’s the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?” “Well Comrade, it’s because you’re black.”

[tommy.irene]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?' 'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's **bleep** in the fridge again!

[tommy.irene]

Signs You’re Getting Old. 20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question. 18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 16. You hear your favourite song in a lift. 15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up." 14. You're the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers. 11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt. 10. You take naps. 9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one. 8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 7. You go to the chemist's for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 6. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 2. When you find out your friend's missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh heck, what happened?" And the number one sign you are getting old is: 1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one!!..

[tommy.irene]

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it." The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you." The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough,the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!