Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts, "Oi, driver! You're losing your load!" 
Driver replies, "clear off!"
5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts, "Oi, you're losing your load!"
Driver again replies, "clear off!"
5 miles further along, Paddy yells, "I'm not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!"
Driver then shouts, "Will you go away you thick Irish nut, I'm gritting!

[tommy.irene]

A salesman is driving through the countryside late at night one evening on his way back home from a business meeting when he starts to feel tired and begins to lose his concentration.  The road is extremely dark and he's finding it harder and harder to stay awake, but he perseveres anyway and keeps on going.  Eventually something goes wrong and he momentarily falls asleep at the wheel, waking up in the nick of time as an oncoming car blares its horn at him and brings him to his senses.  He yanks the wheel hard to the left, bringing the car back over to his own side of the road, and decides that he'd better find somewhere to pull over and rest for the night.  He drives on for a bit longer and sees an old farmhouse in the distance with a neon sign flickering in the darkness, and can just make out the word "Vacancies" as he draws closer.  He pulls into the car par, goes inside and asks the farmer who owns the place for a room.  "I'm sorry" says the farmer, "we don't have any more free rooms left."  And with that the salesman turns to leave.

Just as he's about to walk out of the door the salesman hears the farmer say "Wait...I've just thought of something.  We don't have any empty rooms available, but I could agree to let you sleep with my daughter - if you promise not to bother her."

The salesman agrees, and shortly afterwards he's shown to his room.  He creeps inside, undresses quietly in the dark and slips into bed, where he can feel the farmer's daughter at his side.  Next morning he gets up, gets dressed and goes downstairs to pay the farmer for the room.

"It's usually £50.00 a night" says the farmer "but I'll let you have it for half-price, seeing as you had to share with my daughter."

"Your daughter was very cold last night" says the salesman as he hands over the money.

"Yes, I know" says the farmer.  "We're going to bury her today."

[tommy.irene]

Two young idiots were camping out in the forest one night. But the mosquitoes
Were so fierce that the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from getting bitten.
The one of the boys saw some lightning bugs. “We may as well give up,” he told his friend. “Now they are coming at us with flashlights

[tommy.irene]

One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that told him he would get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. 
"What would you like for your first wish?" asked the genie. 
"I want one billion dollars," replies the man. 
"Remember," says the genie, "your mother-in-law gets double of what you get." 
"I know," replied the man.
The man then chooses his second wish, "I wish I had a brand new sports car." So he gets his second wish and he's very content. 
"Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?" asks the genie. 
The man ponders for a moment, then answers, "I wish to be beaten half to death."

[tommy.irene]

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

--

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."

--

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"

[tommy.irene]

I was driving my lorry back to the UK from France when I was stopped by a customs officer.
"Are you carrying anything on board that you shouldn't be?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
"Right," he said, "So you don't have any cigarettes?"
"No," I replied again, as he opened the shutter.
"What about these?" he said, smiling at me.
"I'm not sure," I replied, staring at the 120 illegal immigrants in the back, "Do any of you have cigarettes?"

[tommy.irene]

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, ....... "I did...... Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

[tommy.irene]

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.
He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.
One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.
The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

[tommy.irene]

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

[tommy.irene]

Once upon a time, there was a cat that died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold black alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat lay down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them roller-skates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she liked heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow was the meals on wheels.