Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

This is a story about four people, named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job, Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everbody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

[clair.de.lune]

but tommy do you love Somebody, Anybody and Nobody?

[tommy.irene]

Matt was reluctant to tell the doctor his problem for fear the doctor would laugh....... The doctor replied ' of course I wont laugh, I'm a professional, in 20 years of practice I've never laughed at a patient'
'OK then' said Matt, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'todger' the doctor had ever seen, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. 'I'm so sorry' he said.. 'I really am, I don't know what camee oer me, on my honour as a doctor and a gentleman it won't happen again, now, what seems to be the matter'













'I'ts swollen' said Matt.  

[tommy.irene]

Read this.. 

http://usahitman.com/microwave-test/

[tommy.irene]

A Scottih Soldier

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much tae repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. ”We'll hae a new one.”

[tommy.irene]

Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead. "We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy. "Don't worry," said Bubba. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking." They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked, "You boys been drinking?" "No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels. "Me and Billy are on the patch."

[tommy.irene]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights,
everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,"
reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt
that having only two breasts might leave her body
more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix
it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into
the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of
Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see..........where
did I put that useless tit?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

[tommy.irene]

Goodmorning everyone ..

[tommy.irene]

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

[tommy.irene]

A noted heart surgeon was having a formal party. Shortly before the guests were to begin arriving he was told that all the bathrooms were backed up and not flushing. Quickly he called a 24 hour plumber listed in the phone book. The plumber arrived quickly and within 15 minutes told the surgeon that all was well. He gave his bill to the heart surgeon and the surgeon exclaimed, "$900! You were only here 15 minutes! I'm a heart surgeon and even I can't charge that much"! The plumber quietly replied, “Neither could I when I was a heart surgeon".