Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”

[katymatey*]

LOL # 218. how true that is.

[tommy.irene]

The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

[kopenhagen5]

:^O:^O:^O

Tommy, here is one of my favorites. Enjoy.

Ormie

[tommy.irene]

                    Time i did the dishes

[tommy.irene]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....
"Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!"

Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

[tommy.irene]

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

[tommy.irene]

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

[tommy.irene]

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

[tommy.irene]

Paddy, Mick and Murphy are having a chat.

Mick says, my locals brilliant, you buy 2 drinks and you get the third one free.

Murphy says thats nowt, in mine you just need buy one drink to get the next one free.

Paddy says, my locals far better than that, you buy one drink then the second,third ,fourth,fifth and sixth comes free, then you gan out the back and have a shag.

Phew, says Mick that sounds great,did it happen to you ?

No, says Paddy but it happened to me sister though.