Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

[tommy.irene]

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

[tommy.irene]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of... them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it!
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

[tommy.irene]

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there
was silence for about ten seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

[tommy.irene]

I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money

[tommy.irene]

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER!!

"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's

First, some of us survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner-shop and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we'd forgot the brakes.
We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no Personal Computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we'd gone outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go out to work to help Dad make ends meet!
FOOTBALL and CRICKET had try outs and not everyone made The Team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that - getting into the team was based on MERIT!!

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to be KIDS, before the lawyers and the government do-gooders regulated our lives 'for our own good'.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because at your age your eyes are not too good anymore !

[tommy.irene]

I was pulled over by the police last night as part of their Drink Driving Campaign. And this obnoxious policewoman asked in a very condescending manner, "How much have you had to drink sir?" Apparently, "Not enough to sleep with you!" wasn't the correct answer!!!!

[j*oono]

Excuse me if I may, Tommy.

Did you hear about the Irishman that was shot with a starter pistol?

Apparently it was race related.

[katymatey*]

:^O:^O:^O

Tommy, here is one of my favorites. Enjoy.

Ormie

Haha, thanks for the laugh Kopen.

[tommy.irene]

Old Timers Bar

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Spain.

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timer's Bar - all
drinks 1.00 €

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on
in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a
martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis....shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 1.00 € each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 4.00 €, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying, 'That's 4.00 €, please..' They pay the 1.00 €, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent 2.00 €.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for 1.00 € each?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always
wanted to own a bar.? Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and
decided to open this place.

Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all retired pommies from the caravan park
waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.' __________________