Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[cueperkins]

Hi Tommy...how are you.....???.   Hope you're well.....better 'hop it" now.....cheers

[tommy.irene]

Im ok..

[tommy.irene]

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

[tommy.irene]

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.



The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"



The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces."



The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres"



The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?" 



The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."



The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" 



The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."



The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"



The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere"



The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" 



The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30." 

[tommy.irene]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Jack a visiting British sailor had a date with Peggy Sue. 


He arrived at her house and rang the bell.


'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Jack in.


'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink, a beer perhaps?'


'Beer please,' Jack said. Mum brought the beer.


'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight? she asked.


'Oh probably go to a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat or maybe take a walk on the beach...'


'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.


'Really?' Jack replied; eyebrows raised.


'Oh yes,' mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'


'Is that so?' asked Jack, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother, 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'


'Well, thanks for the tip!' Jack said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening!


A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Jack.


'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.


Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.


'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.


'The dance is called the Bloody Twist!'

[tommy.irene]

A doctor is addressing an audience.

"The material that we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode our stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disasterous and none of realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....but there is one thing we eat that has a long term and disasterous effect on our lives. This one food alone...and most of us have or will eat it sometime in our lives....can cause grief and suffering for years after eating it. Can anyone here tell me what it is?"

After several seconds of silence, an old chap in the front row raised his hand and softly said...

"Wedding Cake".

[tommy.irene]

How to get revenge on negative people.



A woman was at the hairdressers getting her hair styled for a forthcoming trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who said.."Rome!! What the hell do you wanna go there for? It's noisy, dirty and smelly. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"

"We're flying with Continental Airways" replied the woman.

"Continental!!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. The planes are old, they're always late and the flight attendants are ugly! So where are you staying in Rome?"

"Lovely place beside the river Tiber called the Royal Hotel" said the woman.

"The Royal!" exclaimed the hairdresser...."I know it...everyone thinks it's going to be smart and exclusive but it's a dump...he worst hotel in the city! So what do you plan on doing in Rome"

"We're going to the Vatican and hopefully, we'll see the Pope."

"Some hope" replied the hairdresser "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant up on that balcony. Well good luck on this lousy trip of yours...you're going to need it!"


A month later the woman was back at the hairdresser for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked "So how did the trip go?"

"It was wonderful" said the woman. "Not only were we on one of Continental's newest plane but it was overbooked and they put us in 'first class' at no extra cost. The hotel was great...they'd just finished a $5 million refit and it's claimed to be the best hotel in the whole of Italy. Fortunately for us, they too were overbooked so they put us up in the owners private penthouse suite... at no extra cost."

"Well that's all well and good....but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope"

"Actually, we did!" said the woman. "We were the 1 millionth visitor this year and so we were given the opportunity to meet the Pope in person. We went into the Vatican and sure enough...there was the Pope waiting for us. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"REALLY!!" said the hairdresser "What did he say?"

The woman replied........

He said 'Where did you get that lousy hairdo??"

[tommy.irene]

In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Ruth was given a "cordless" phone by her son. He lived 1500 miles away. After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her. "How is your new phone working, Mom." Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."

[tommy.irene]

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.” Haha

[tommy.irene]

FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN WOMEN.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she stayed over at a girlfiend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 closest friends...... none of them knew anything about it!


FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MEN.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he stayed over at a buddy's house. The wife call her husband's 10 closest friends..........

8 of them confirmed that he'd slept at their place...and 2 claimed that he was still there.



.....Yes! You know what I'm talking about don't you lads?