Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together. 

In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast. 

As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if Paul and Mary are up yet. 

She replies - No. 

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think? 

His mum replies - I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum - 

Are Paul and Mary up yet? 

She replies - No.

Johnny says - Do you know what I think? 
His mum replies - Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet? 

His mom says - No. 

He asks - Do you know what I think? 

His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think 

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think.. 

I gave him my airplane glue.

[tommy.irene]

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

[tommy.irene]

Since we've had Irish and Scottish jokes, heres one for those down-under.....

Sensitive Australian Males……..

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[tommy.irene]

During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was. After everyone had answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong, the army is now your home".
Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say "you bet I do" the sergeant replied, "men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess. Where do you think you are? Home?

[tommy.irene]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

[tommy.irene]

A Kerryman went to the cinema and, having bought his ticket, went in to see the film. A few minutes later he came back to the box office and bought another ticket. Five minutes later he returned and bought a third ticket.  'Look', said the girl at the ticket office, 'what are you playing at? That's the third ticket you've bought'.  'I know', said the Kerryman, 'but there's a crazy guy inside who keeps tearing them up'.

[tommy.irene]

This one's a Cracker !

IT'S a HEART WARMING LAWYER STORY.


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.


The grass is almost a foot high ! "

[tommy.irene]

Nutrition For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

[tommy.irene]

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your father read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address 'cause the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut 'em off and put them in the pockets. 

Your father has a new job with several hundred people under him. He cuts the lawn at the cemetery.

About your sister - she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday - some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.

The neighbors next door have started to keep pigs. We just got wind of it this morning.

Your father took me to the doctor's the other day. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father tried to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. Once for three days, then for four days. It was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.

Love, Your Mama

P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.

[tommy.irene]

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."