Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me." As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town. "Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!" "What's the matter?" his father asked. "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong. "Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..." The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!" The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

[tommy.irene]

A woman in the natural history museum is looking at the dinosaur bones, she asks the attendant how old the bones are. He replies, '3million and four years, and 6 months'. She says 'oh my, how can u date bones so accurately?'. He says they were three million years old when i started here, and that was four and a half years ago!

[tommy.irene]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. 
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. 
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." 
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"No," I said, "she can order for herself." 
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" 
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. 
I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. 
I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of five years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her some bathroom scales.
And that's when the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt!"
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
And that's when the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's **bleep** near perfect."
And that's when the fight started........

[tommy.irene]

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20  pirateships in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

[tommy.irene]

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. 

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said:

"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant; and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

[tommy.irene]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[tommy.irene]

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

[tommy.irene]

"That wife of mine is a liar", said the angry husband to his friend sitting next to him at the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?" the friend replied.

"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

[tommy.irene]

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist” Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things" replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure
he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for
the jewelery."

[tommy.irene]

An elderly couple is getting ready for bed. She says Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house." He says, “I’ll go get some." She says, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry." She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget." He says, “I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry."
Away he goes. Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag. "In it is a "HAM SANDWICH". She says,” I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."