Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"
He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."
The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two hours ago."

[tommy.irene]

	the police came to my house earlier & said my dog had chased someone on a bike i said clear off my dog hasn't got a bike.. then they showed me a photo...

[tommy.irene]

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and 
asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car 
zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!!
Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!!
NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!!
Very fast!!!"
The taxi driver was starting to 
get a little irritated and miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport. "Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in 
Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and 
said, "that'll be $150."
"$150? It was short ride! Why so much?"
"Yeah! That's a Taxi Meter; Made in Japan!! Very fast!!!"

[tommy.irene]

A man who worked in a cruise liner as a magician had a parrot and every time the man did a trick the parrot yelled, “it’s in the pocket,” “it’s in the pocket,” the magician would do another trick and the parrot yelled, “it’s in the hat”, “it’s in the hat.”
One day during his act the cruise liner had a problem and the ship sunk. The parrot came up from the water and looking confused said; “NOW WHERE DID HE HIDE THE SHIP.”

[tommy.irene]

My nan called at her local MPs house and knocked on the door and he answered it.

"Can I come in?" She asked,

" Have you got a problem?" He replied,

"I'm freezing, and you are the only person I know who can afford to have your heating on," she replied.

__________________

[tommy.irene]

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

[tommy.irene]

Three immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language. One was telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attempting to start a family. He said, "I think my wife must be impregnable." The second said," that's not the right word, she is inconceivable". To which the third replied, "You are both wrong she is unbearable."

[tommy.irene]

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

[tommy.irene]

One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

[tommy.irene]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."