Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office 
to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a 
lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the 
car door, zooming off without stopping. 
More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance 
to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! 
My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel 
beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in
disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he 
says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice 
anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche
owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh **bleep**!' he screams... Where's 
my Rolex????...'

[tommy.irene]

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

[tommy.irene]

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won £500,000. 

'You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant , the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question...... will you go for it?' 

'Sure,'said Mick,'I'll have a go!' 

Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d)Cuckoo?'

'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick,'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .' 

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 

' hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.' 

'Are you sure?' 

'I'm  sure.' 

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris , 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 

'Dat it is, Sir.' 

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!' 

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink...'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?' 

'Because he lives in a  clock!'

[tommy.irene]

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

[tommy.irene]

Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning. Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand! Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said . After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like toxic waste. Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

[tommy.irene]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old **bleep** what her name is.'

[tommy.irene]

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community

[tommy.irene]

WIFE:
What would you do if i died? Would you get married again?
Husband: No...
Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course i do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Ok, ok, I'd get married again...
Wife: Would you live in our house with your new Wife...?
Husband: Yes, it's a great house.
Wife: Would you let her drive my car ?
Husband: Yes, its a new car, dear...
Wife: Would you give her my jewelry?
Husband: No.. I am sure she would want her own..
Wife: Would she wear my shoes..?
Husband: No, her size is '5'
Wife: --silence-
Husband: 'OOPs...!!!

[tommy.irene]

Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?

You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You are crazy, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week! 


Life as a senior citizen is not

getting any easier.

[icyfroth]

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@tommy.irene wrote:

Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?

You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You are crazy, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week! 


Life as a senior citizen is not

getting any easier.

---