Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Due to the Credit Crunch our company has brought in some new rules :- NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE June 1, 2015 Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes, Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Breaks: * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[tommy.irene]

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Brighton, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his garden But NO ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a building permit." I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. "My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision. Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it." "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - But no go!" "When I started gathering the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space." Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew." The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work." The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the treasury seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species." So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a triple rainbow stretched across the sky." Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world? "No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it !"

[tommy.irene]

To the PIG that thought it was okay to send a picture of herself wearing only a bikini to my man. I know who you are and I do not appreciate it one bit! Watch out girl my bite is far worse than my bark. I usually don't do this but her pic is here.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

An old lady goes to buy cat food....The person working the cash register says "I'm sorry ma'am but there has been reports of elderly people eating this stuff, we'll need to see proof of your cat." The old lady sighs and leaves. The next day she comes back with a box that contains her cat. The clerk sees this and let's her purchase the cat food. The next day the old lady comes in and says she needs some dog food. the clerk says "I'm sorry ma'am but the same rules apply for dog food." So she returns the next day with a box that has the worlds cutest puppy in it and the clerk sells her some dog food. The next day she comes in with a box and sets it on the counter, the clerk looks in it and immediately vomits. In between gagging the clerk says "What the hell ma'am why would you bring in a box of this!?" The old lady replies, "Well I wanted to buy some toilet paper and I didn't want to have to make two trips!"

[tommy.irene]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally, the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, -“You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!” The old rancher replied, -“Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that darned bull came home this morning.”

[tommy.irene]