Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL BORN IN 1930's, 1940's, 50's, 60's, 70's and Early 80's !!! First, you survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, your baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. You had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, no locks on doors or cabinets and when you rode your bikes, you had no helmets, not to mention, the risks you took hitchhiking .. As children, you would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun. You drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. You shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. You ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank lemonade with sugar in it, but you weren't overweight because...... YOU WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! You would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach you all day. And you were OK. You would spend hours building your go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out you forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, you learned to solve the problem . You did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on sky, no dvd movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms.......... YOU HAD FRIENDS and you went outside and found them! You fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. You played with worms(well most boys did) and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although you were told it would happen, you did not poke out any eyes. You rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing you out if you broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. You had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and you learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

[tommy.irene]

1. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your mrs says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both 2. !" OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 3. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 4. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 5. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 6. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 7. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. 8. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. 9. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee

[tommy.irene]

A guy had planned a fishing trip to his favorite fishing spot on the flats of Florida.
He packed and began the trip to the water.
He launched his boat, motored to his sea trout honey hole, and began fishing.
In no time, he caught the biggest trout he’d ever caught.
He cast out again, and was delighted to catch an even larger trout.
Every cast, he caught a trophy fish.
Then his mobile phone rang; it was the hospital telling him his wife had been admitted to the emergency room.
She may die, they told him.
The fisherman is worried, but he wants to catch the world record trout, so he decides to have just a few more casts.
He pulls in three more really huge trout, but his conscience begins to get the better of him, so he reluctantly pulls anchor and motors back to his car to go to the hospital.
Running into the emergency room, he meets up with a stern-looking doctor.
The doctor sees the man dressed for fishing and scolds the husband: “Your wife has been at death’s door for hours now. You kept fishing after you were called, didn’t you? You ought to be ashamed!”
The fisherman sobbed it was true.
“Well,” said the doc, “I hope you had a good time; your wife will survive, but your fishing days are over…
She will require constant care from now on… 24 hours per day. You will have to do everything for her.”
The fisherman sobbed, “Oh God, I didn’t think it was that bad, I feel terrible!!!!”
The doc grinned and nudged the fisherman with his elbow…
”Just kidding, buddy… she’s dead. How many did you catch?”

[tommy.irene]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East . Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. GREAT BRITAIN , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims. God Bless GREAT BRITAIN , damn those Brits are smart!!

[tommy.irene]

https://www.facebook.com/bob.robinson.505/videos/vb.690906615/10151122124101616/?type=2&theater

[tommy.irene]

Posted to Ryan Air today; Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing for the attention of your customer experience team. I am definitely a customer, and believe me, you didn’t fail providing us with an experience. My wife and I had booked to fly from Stansted on the Thursday 17th April, evening flight to Bratislava. After 2 hours of fun, fun, fun, stuck on the M25 doing 20 mph, we arrived at Stansted check in with just one hour until the flight. Knowing the strict Ryan Air policy on ‘check in closes 40 mins before the flight’ as you are the Low Fare Taxi of The Skies, we went straight to the Ryan Air assistant and explained our plight. She said we were still within the time and all would be fine but we had to make the attendant at check in aware and he would assist from there. We approached the attendant as instructed and explained. Unfortunately, in the main part, due to him being a child, and forgetting to bring his mother to work, he heard only half of the words before his brain fell apart like a wet cake. He led us to the line for closing gates, advised we should wait and all would be ok. We stood patiently in the line for 20 minutes. We got to the front of the line and the lady, who we shall from this point refer to as Vacant, explained that she had literally just that second closed the flight and we had missed it. We complained that we had done as instructed and she said it was the child’s fault because he should have advised her that we were trying to board a closing flight and that because he hadn’t told her it was therefore our fault we had missed the plane. Confused by this process of blame apportioning, another check in clerk, who we shall refer to as Not That Bright, tried to blame us for not responding to the last call for the flight as we should have made ourselves known. I argued that the last call had not been made. Not That Bright then questioned Vacant on whether she had done a final call. Vacant did what she does best and looked, well,…… After establishing that the child had not informed Vacant we were here, and Vacant had forgotten to do a last call and that all of this was irreversible, and my fault, Not That Bright and Vacant conferred to agree this was not a problem they wished to deal with and told us to get in a very, very long line of very, very unhappy people at the quite wrongly titled ‘Customer Services Counter’ as it was in fact a Customer Shouting Desk. We complained and requested the attention of a manager. Out came Colin, a man so angry all his hair had literally fallen out. He was so aggressive I can only assume he had accidentally inserted something sharp into somewhere private and been unable to remove it before he came to work. He was definitely a middle Gimp. I know this as Vacant and Not That Bright were clearly quite scared of him, and he can’t have been a Big Cheese as he was talking directly to customers and we all know from the papers that no-one in Big Cheese management at Ryan Air has ever seen, let alone spoken to an actual customer. Middle Gimp had clearly listen hard at Ryan Air Middle Gimp school as he managed to take two perfectly calm and sane adults and in a matter of seconds reduce them to angry people considering violence. ‘Check in opens 3 hours before the flight’ he barked repeatedly as if it was the answer to every question in life. We tried to ask Middle Gimp direct questions about why it was necessary for us to miss the flight because the Child had forgotten to do his job, and Vacant had forgotten to do hers. ‘Why is this our fault, and why should we miss the flight because Ryan Air staff have admitted they made errors?. ‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’ ‘Do you acknowledge we have just cause for complaint as we tried to do the right thing and the only reason we are not on the plane is because of communication failures with Ryan Air Staff?’ ‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’ ‘What colour are my trousers?’ ‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’ ‘Do you think economic sanctions on Russia will diffuse the escalating situation in Ukraine?’ ‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’ ‘Were Man Utd right to fire David Moyes?’ ‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’ ‘My tinkle is hurting, could you take a look if I promise not to tell anyone?’ ‘Check in opens three hours before the flight’ Middle Gimp then conferred with Vacant and Not That Bright, and agreed that this was all our fault as we should have noticed that Child had made an error and we should have called the flight ourselves to assist Vacant in doing her job because she was clearly busy being, well,…... Middle Gimp then insisted we go to customer the Customer Shouting Desk, as he was definitely not going to do anything else. This was handy as the queue was very long so that by the time we would reach the front the plane would be half way to Bratislava and the problem would be solved. We waited patiently in line as customer after customer stood at the desk to hear the same song; ‘No, no, I can’t do that, no, there are no Middle Gimps available, no, no, sorry, no, give me all your money’ We got to the Customer Shouting Desk and explained our plight to the lady there (who was actually very nice and clearly should not be working for Ryan Air as a result). She apologised but explained that Middle Gimp had finished being angry for the day and had returned to his padded cage, and there were no other Middle Gimps around. We would have to book in to the flight for the next day and we would have to pay £110 each to change the ticket. When she tried to re-book the flight she said that the flight we had tried to get was actually delayed by 1 hour and still at the airport and that what we should do is run to the gate with all our luggage, she would call through and they would check our bags into the hold at the gate. We ran as fast as we could, which is not very fast because I am fat, to security to do as instructed. Security advised us that because our flight should have left, even though it hadn’t, the ticket machine would not open the barrier for us and we would need to return to the Customer Shouting Desk. We waited patiently in the very long queue yet again for about 40 minutes to discover the nice lady had also gone home now so we had to explain the whole thing again to a new lady that looked like all the joy had been removed from her life at birth. She recited the Ryan Air customer services song with a sterling level of apathy and dreariness, I am surprised she could muster the will just to breathe and stay alive. ‘No, no, I can’t do that, no, there are no Middle Gimps available, no, no, sorry, no, give me all your money’ She recited it with perfection, Middle Gimps across the world would have been in awe and the effectiveness of the techniques taught in Middle Gimp School. Seeing no other option but to hand over all our cash and come back the next morning we happily paid and got new flights. As the new flight was at 6.25am in the morning we decided to get a hotel, we paid £79 for a room and got a taxi. So, our customer experience was insightful and liberating. From the incompetent Child with a brain so full of girls and Vauxhall Corsa modifications he couldn’t actually listen or speak, through Vacant and Not That Bright who decided on reflection that anything they did wrong was our fault for not pointing it out to them, right through Middle Gimp who made a Tasmanian Devil look calm and Zen like, and the sad one, oh so sad, having every last drop of life sucked out of her by her chosen career at the Ryan Air Customer Shouting Desk. I very nearly jumped over the desk just to give her a cuddle and tell her everything would be alright if she could just muster the will to leave the Ryan Air Customer Shouting Desk and find a more fulfilling job, like starting the very first Israeli pork pie factory, or being a parking attendant in Tower Hamlets, or in fact just resigning herself to a slow and uncomfortable death would have been indistinguishable from the current position and would require much less effort. The net result of this ‘experience’ was; New Flights - £220 Hotel £79 Taxi x 2 £50 Worlds most expensive sandwich in the only hotel we could get £35 1 x significant breach of Tort Law (2008 as quoted by Lord Atkin) by Ryan Air, Google it, it’s a cracking read. I will leave you to decide the monetary value of this. 1 x very angry and upset wife, in particular with Middle Gimp for being so unbelievably rude. 1 x Missed wedding reception for our Slovakian family (sorry, forgot to mention this nugget earlier) who all turned up from all over the country to see us for an event we were forced to miss, because Child and Vacant are clueless at best and Middle Gimp has anger management issues. So, thank you Ryan Air for a comfortable and enjoyable experience. I have watched a program called the news so I fully expect this to land on the desk of the customer services team underneath the empty bottles and sandwich wrappers that you also file there. You treated us badly, you cost us money and made us miss our wedding reception through a display of incompetence I have not seen since Greece was allowed to have money and a cheque book. I sincerely doubt you will do anything about this, compensate us, apologise, or even respond according to the news, so I have sent this recorded and sign for delivery to absolutely confirm my opinion of Ryan Air and that it is not just ‘lost in the post’ Regards You bunch of……………. P.S. Maybe Middle Gimp in particular, but Child, Not That Bright, and Vacant should purchase one of your reasonably priced tickets and go to Slovakia (assuming they were actually allowed on the plane). The Ryan Air employees there are smart, clever, bilingual, helpful, and polite and they should in my opinion experience an example of how they should do their jobs. The Slovak staff could explain it to them, but they wouldn’t be able to understand it for them, so it may be a waste of time after all.

[tommy.irene]

An Aussie joke !! Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's **bleep** and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Susan

[tommy.irene]

Time for bed.

[tommy.irene]

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[tommy.irene]

There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and the people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living..