Visiting Irishman From UK

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy." They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The "smart guy" says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" Later on an hour passes. The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated. The "not smart at all guy" says, "I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?โ€ "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?" "A jack"
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

Subject: Love Seminar A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response. Here are some of the replies: 1. Who the hell is this? 2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what? 3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you? 4. What now? Did you wreck the car again? 5. I don't understand what you mean? 6. What the hell did you do now? 7. You're kidding, right? 8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need? 9. Am I dreaming? 10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die. 11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day. (my favorite) 12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

Joe had terrible headaches that he had suffered with for a long time, he went to see the doctor. The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." *********** I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, "Yesterday.." *********** I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. *********** I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,โ€ said the man. โ€œTo show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.โ€ The son-in-law interrupted. โ€œI hate factories. I canโ€™t stand the noise.โ€ โ€œI see.โ€ replied the father-in-law, โ€œWell, then youโ€™ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.โ€ โ€œI hate office work,โ€ said the son-in-law. โ€œI canโ€™t stand being stuck behind a desk.โ€ โ€œWait a minute,โ€ said the father-in-law. โ€œI just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you donโ€™t like factories, and wonโ€™t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?โ€ โ€œEasy,โ€ said the son-in-law. โ€œBuy me out.โ€
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by. "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba. "Do what?" asked Johnny Ray. "Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look". Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach." After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me." The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this **bleep** making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand: "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched" Last is little Chris ... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam war, his lane was shot down over enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story... Chris replies, "Don't mess with my Uncle."
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

A Japanese soap manufacturing company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a box of soap that was empty. Management tasked its engineers to solve the problem permanently to avoid any reoccurrence. The engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast. But a rank-and-file employee that was posed the same problem came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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