Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[kengillard]

morning/evening Tommy

[tommy.irene]

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

[tommy.irene]

 A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

[tommy.irene]

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

[yibida]

Helllooooooooooooo  tommy ! ...

[tommy.irene]

I just came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'  I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Prisoners" and "Drug Addicts" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'  I said 'don't worry dear you're bound to lose it eventually. '

I walked past a young kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change Mister?' I said 'Nope, you still look the same.'

Snow in the forecast!  The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.  I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks “What is wrong?”
The boy says “Me dog is dead.”  “Oh you poor soul” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?” The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.”

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since most of the Doctors are now not English, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.

A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong.  The question was

“Where do women have the curliest hair?”

The answer I should have given was Fiji ...

[panda_4]

Good jokes tommy, keep em coming! 🙂

Whereabouts in Ireland are you from? Wouldn't mind a bit of duty-free Irish whiskey!

[tommy.irene]

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"

[tommy.irene]

Finbar, (an Irishman), an Englishman and a Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and Finbar said, "Potato and cabbage! If I get potato and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The Scotsman opened his lunch and said, "Haggis again. If I get a haggis one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day Finbar opens his lunch box, sees potato and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.

The Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral the Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!

The Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much."

Everyone turned and stared at Willow, the Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made his own lunch"

[tommy.irene]

A man who was just about to be executed was asked whether he would like to have a last smoke.
The man answered, "No thank you, I don't smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."