Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”
“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”
The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”
“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

[tommy.irene]

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

[tommy.irene]

  Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle Recently:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this last September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the mont...hly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around - £60.00.
A family member rang MBNA:
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandmother died in September.'
MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'
MBNA: ‘Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'
Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be upset with her?'
MBNA: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'
MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor. ' Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm phoning to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'
MBNA: 'Could you fax us a death certificate?'
Family Member: 'no problem.'
( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you sort it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?'
MBNA: 'That would help.'
Family Member: ' Plot 1049.' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne
MBNA: 'But, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
The MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang them.

[tommy.irene]

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the
first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral
lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my
brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

[tommy.irene]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would normally not be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

[tommy.irene]

 A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car...
Who is driving the car?
A police officer!

[tommy.irene]

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

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Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[katymatey*]

Hello Tommy. Keep em coming. lol.

[tommy.irene]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said.

"My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large].

The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

[tommy.irene]

Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00”