Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

What does it mean when a man is laying in bed calling a woman's name and gasping for breath?

She's hasn't held the pillow down long enough.

[tommy.irene]

When things go wrong, When sadness fill your heart, When tears flow in your eyes, Just let me know, Cause I want to be there for you, I am selling tissues,buy one get one free..

[tommy.irene]

Why do men need sports action replays 30 seconds after the event?

Because they've forgotten what happened.

[tommy.irene]

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Because, of the sign!
Teacher: What
sign?
Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

[tommy.irene]

Should wives put the photographs of their missing husbands on beer cans?

[tommy.irene]

There was a pretty young girl who lived with her grandmother. One evening she came downstairs to go out with her new boyfriend. She was wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Granny told her to get back upstairs and make herself respectable.

"No. I won't." she said. "I want to show off my rosebuds." And with that, she left.

The following day the young woman went outside to see her grandmother sitting on the veranda, also wearing a see-through blouse and without a bra.

"Grandma." she exclaimed. "What on earth's going on? My boyfriend and another couple are coming over. Please change your blouse. I'm so embarrassed."

"Well," said the old woman, "If you can show your rosebuds, then I can show my hanging baskets."

**********

[tommy.irene]

A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.

[tommy.irene]

New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'. Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens? Customer: 'Tried but nothing” Tech Support: “What key did you hit? After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.

[tommy.irene]

Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first racehorse says "You know.... when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds.... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived....blah blah blah..." In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah...when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds.... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived.... blah blah blah..." Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds." The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)...a talking greyhound!"

[tommy.irene]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar With the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I playedout my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played likeI've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes And started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in Septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a man thing.