Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

Well folks got anything you would like to add to this???

[tommy.irene]

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.
She then goes for a drive in the country and stumbles upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd man, if I guess how many sheep there are, can I have one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees.

She shouts out "352!"
The shepherd is stunned but keeps to his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly "awww isn't he just the cutest!!!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

[tommy.irene]

Old Man And The Beaver 

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... 







The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.' 

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 
"So what do you think about that Doc?" 




The doctor considered his question for a minute and 
then began to tell a story. 

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter 
and never misses a season." 




One day he was setting off to go hunting. 
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking 
cane instead of his gun." 

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver 
sitting at the water's edge.. 





He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't 
shoot the magnificent creature. 
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if 
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. 

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. 

The 86-year-old said, 
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else 
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." 


The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[tommy.irene]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[tommy.irene]

Q. Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants when he went golfing?

A. In case he got a "hole in one".

[tommy.irene]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.. 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and 
he shares his. She listens. 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.. 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 

'No,' she replies. . . 



Wait for it. . 



It's coming. . 




The suspense is killing you, isn't it? 





She says: 
'You just happened to catch my eye.' 

[tommy.irene]

Patel was bragging to his boss one day,"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.

"Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Patel how about
Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Patel and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Patel! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Patel's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Patel that he thinks Patel's
knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Patel
says."President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Patel says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off
they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Patel on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Patel , what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Patel who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Patel . "My folks are from
Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Patel and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Patel says," This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Patel emerges with the Pope on the
balcony.

But by the time Patel returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Patel asks him, what happened?

"His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Patel?"

[tommy.irene]

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

[tommy.irene]

Prince Charles decides it is time to get fit, and takes up jogging.

Every day as he jogs on his route, he sees a prostitute on a street corner. Every day the same prostitue shouts to him "50 quid for an hour sir?"

Every day Prince Charles jokingly replies "5 pounds ?" This goes on everyday for several weeks.

One day Camilla decides to join Charles on his daily jog. As the two of them begin jogging Charles begins to worry about whether the prostitute will be on the street corner and how he will explain away the comments she and he make to each other. As they head towards the street corner Charles begins to really worry as he sees the prostitute in her usual spot....

As he and Camilla approach, he grits his teeth waiting for the prostitute to shout her usual offer....and decides that today he must ignore her

As they approach the prostitute shouts to Charles

"See what you get for a fiver you tight old **bleep** "...

[tommy.irene]

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"