Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled
alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him
the keys, "Yours is."

[tommy.irene]

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were I given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t
heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

[tommy.irene]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

[tommy.irene]

So this blonde is taking a shower, and her husband shouts out from the bedroom, "Hey, Honey. How do you like the new shampoo we bought?" 

She shouts back, "Dang! I can't use it. I didn't realize it's for dry hair. My hair is already wet."

[tommy.irene]

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
A: No one knows, it's never been done.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

[tommy.irene]

One day an Antartian decided to face her fears and go riding on a horse.
It was easy for her to get on and she was doing just fine until the horse started to go faster.
She started slipping off the saddle. She couldn’t hold on to the horse and her head started hitting the ground.
She was almost knocked unconscious when the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the machine.

[tommy.irene]

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

[tommy.irene]

“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”