Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[tommy.irene]

A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?" The attendant said, "No, he doesn't." But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room. Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."

[tommy.irene]

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby. When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

[tommy.irene]

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.

[tommy.irene]

An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"

[tommy.irene]

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch. A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two. “Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.” “In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!” “Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

[tommy.irene]

Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90.

[tommy.irene]

A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …

[tommy.irene]

The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company. Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

[tommy.irene]

Two cowboys were out west one day when up ahead they saw an indian, bent over, ear to the gorund.

The one cowboy excitedly said to the other," Hey, do you know what that there injin's a doin??"
The other said he had no idea.
"He's a puttin his ear to the ground so he can a hear all that be goin on in the surrounding area."

So eventually they approached the indian, and as they did he looked up at them and croaked:" Four oxen and a wagon. There's a family on board. Husband, mother, two children. And they're trailing two horses behind."

The one cowboy said to the other,"See! What did I tell you!" And then looking down to the indian he said,"And you can do all that just by putting your ear to the ground and listening to EVERYTHING going on in the surrounding area??"

A mask of pain on the indians face as he looked up and croaked at them again,"Nah. They rode over me about a half hour ago."