Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

A magician managed to secure himself a very lucrative contract to work on a luxury cruise ship. He could not believe his luck. He had worked hard since he was a boy to attain to become the "best" magician in the world, and this was his lucky break. The magician was indeed, excellent and put on stunning performances which were greatly appreciated by his "captive" audiences, with the exception of one, a parrot! After every trick or illusion he performed, the parrot would exclaim, "it's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve." The magician consolled himself by coming up with various ways in which he would, given the opportunity rid himself of his irritating heckler. One evening, during his performance, there was an massive explosion on board and within 5 minutes the ship had sunk. He fought to stay afloat in the water as he was not a good swimmer. However he eventually managed to pull his weary body up onto a piece of wreckage. He discovered to his dismay, that he and the parrot who was already on the wreckage, were the only surivors. He stared at the parrot with venom running through his viens, feeling he had been his "Jonah". He glared at the parrot, the parrot stared back. For 3 days their gaze was uninterupted, until finally the parrot said: "Alright, I give up, where'd you put the ship?"

[tommy.irene]

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

[tommy.irene]

People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’. I say there is..... Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’ Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’

[tommy.irene]

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want no vacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

[tommy.irene]

Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information. "We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven," Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...

[tommy.irene]

Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, “Hey, you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So the lawyers traded sandwiches.

[tommy.irene]

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

[tommy.irene]

Steve lived in Stated Island, NY and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferry home every night. One evening, he missed the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so Steve decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling happy. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Steve. Afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. “How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud Steve to a deck hand. “It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”

[tommy.irene]

otice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers) SICKNESS We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately. PREGNANCY In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay. DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death. This new benefit program started yesterday. The Management ..

[tommy.irene]

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer