while its quiet how about some jokes

[joethenuts]

I said to a bloke one day if you can get one answere out of 3 right i will give you $20,

ok he said   first queation whats got 5 fingers and green   he said i dont know  the answere is [a glove]  2nd question what has 10 fingers and green he says i dont know the answere is [2 gloves]   3rd question who is the president of the usa    he goes i know is it 3 gloves.  mmmmmmmm

The local church lost its ding for the bell so the church hired a person to climb up to the bell each day and depending of the day if its a funeral or a marriage and so he would use his face while holding onto the rope to bang the bell   ,he has done this for about 10 years his face was a bit mangled ,one day he fell and died whie the ambuance was there ,the priest came to the bell and the ambo asked the priest do you know this man  he walkked up turned him around looked at his face and said i am not sure [but his face rings a bell]

One night me and patty were at the pub ,we had spent all our money and was wondering how to get home so we started to walk we went past were we work the bus company ,patty said lets steal a bus to get home so patty broke in and i stayed outside watch after an hour i went in to see what was keeping him so long  and there was patty looking around i said patty what are you doinh and he said looking for a number 56 bus ,I said look thers a 76 bus that goes up to high st and then we can walk the rest of the way home....too much to drink.

[myoclon1cjerk]

Q: How many homeopaths does it take to change a lightbulb? 
A: 0.0000000000000000000000000001.

[colic2bullsgirlore]

This is a joke that should be spoken rather than typed as it depends on the kiwis "rising/upward inflection"

....but... let's give it a whirl ...earl

An australian walks into an outback station bunk house to find a kiwi copulating with a sheep and he says to him

"Oi mate in Australia we generally shear sheep"

The kiwi replies

"Bu gger you I'm not sharing it..there's 10 000 thousand of them outside....... you go find your own"

[opmania]

A rich guy driving down the road in a brand new convertible with his beautiful girlfriend

Gets overtaken by a bikie gang and they pull him over

leader of the gang pulls the guy out of the car and draws a circle on the road

Tells the rich guy to stand in the circle "if you come out of that circle your a dead man mate"

He then walks over to the car and takes the guys wallet out of the glove box and puts it in his pocket

The rich guy starts laughing his head off HA HA HA HA HA

So you think that's funny do you OK see how funny this is

Another bikie gets an axe off the back off his bike and begins to chop holes in the rich guys convertible

"not so funny now is it " he said

and the rich guy starts laughing his head off again HA HA HA HA HA HA

Starting to get really peed off as you can imagine the bikie leader goes to the convertible and drags out the rich guys girlfriend

The whole gang rape the girlfriend right in front of the rich guy and when they had finished they turned to the rich guy

He immediately starts laughing his head off HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

"What is it with you mate , we steal your money , wreck your car and rape your girlfriend , what could be funny about that "

And the rich guy said with a big grin on his face "I Jumped out the circle 3 times when no one was looking "

[joethenuts]

3 guys die and just about to enter the pearlly gates    just as they enter god says deppends on how faithful you were to your partner all your life is going to effect your ride you have  here in heaven .

1st bloke god says you had a few affairs  spent a few nights with some of the local girls , you can have a 5 year old ford

2nd bloke god says you were out at least 2 nights of the week with different girls for 30 years  ,you can have a 15 year old car

3rd bloke named ted you were a perfect gentleman never looked another girl in the eye, you can have a brand new bmw..

one day all 3 blokes met up but ted was crying  the other blokes said whats wrong ted ,  ted said i just saw my wife,the other 2 guys said wells thats great why are you crying   , ted said she was on roller skates.mmmmmmmmm

[icyfroth]

"I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black  Angus bull.  I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and  wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid 

more for that  bull than he was worth.  Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look  at him.  He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a  little young,  so he gave me some

pills to feed  him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows  and within two days, all my cows! He even broke

through the  fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a  machine!  I

don't know  what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ But they kind of  taste like peppermint."

[keyrings]

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'