Jokes

[kengillard]

They're boasting about race recordsSome race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast...

[peteepie]

There was a fight out the front of my place between a blind man, a deaf man and a mute.

I love senseless violence.

[peteepie]

If you're being chased by a bunch of taxidermists...don't play dead.

[peteepie]

She rang and said, "come on over, nobody's home."

So I went over and nobody was home.

[peteepie]

Did you hear about the Mexican train robber?

He had loco motives.

[twyngwyn]

Why did Sally fall off the swing?                                           She didn't have any arms.

Knock knock. Who's there?                                                   Not Sally.

[peteepie]

...Where's Sally?                                                                     At the beach playing volleyball and swimming.

[twyngwyn]

Why does Wally always wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted

[peteepie]

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

[twyngwyn]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

5. Phenomena

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A pizza? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[peteepie]

I was offered sex with a 21 year old today.  All I had to do was promote some kitchen product.  Of course I refused, as I have high moral values and strong will power.  Almost as strong as Ajax, the all round cleaner, now in lavender and lemon.