greetings from frankfurt, germany.
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WoW! How exciting!! BIG trip!! Have a great time Braff! X
Im really struggling with something I was told tonight about my biological father.
I really have no-one in my life to talk to about it, and I dont like the weird 'not knowing' how I feel feeling if that makes sense??
Ive had quite the challenging life and Im in such a wonderful place finally, Ive overcome so much and worked so hard to be 'here'... my kids are all healthy & happy and I enjoy my life & family so much, Im so at peace with my place in the world.... why is it then that NOW this would come up, and do I need to act? Do I need to process and move on... do I just shrug and say that "karma's a biarch"??
I dont mean to be cryptic but to be honest it's such a looong story with so many side stories that would need to be shared, I guess im kind of venting/pondering....???
Not looking for advice as such just a bit thrown by this and dont know what it means to/for me.... if anything?
I guess writing that has unburdened a little.
To see/read the pic, just click on the arrow under the reply button and hit that link, it comes up nice & big.
Stumbled across it earlier before "the phonecall" and it felt like a message being sent to me.
Hi all
Higs and hugs to all and expecially Kylie.
Greetings from Berlin.
Kylie, I am pushed for time at the moment, but will come back and read your photo asap.
OK I am back and I have just read it.
I am going to stick my neck out and ASSUME what has happened and post accordingly.
Your biological father has never been in your life. Now he is unwell and he is making contact. Maybe he even wants you to be tested to see if you are a suitable donor of / for something. ?:|
If the above is the case, then I can totally understand why you are feeling like you do.
Does your mother know about your feelings? Is she able to point you in the right/ or suitable direction?
IF I AM WRONG - and your father is unwell and wants to meet with you, just for the purpose of meeting you then you need to look into your heart. Do you honour the wishes of a dying man or do you do make contact and potentially create family turmoil within your own family?
Kylie, if I am way off base with any of this then I hope you get a good laugh out of it. I will not be offended. ๐
Thanks Braff for taking the time to consider my ramblings. โฅ
SOOOO Sorry for the massive essay/scroller....
OKers dont stress yourself with reading / replying cos I think Im alright??
I will try to explain as simple as possible:
* My father never paid any child support or showed ANY interest in me until I turned 16. Even tried denying paternity etc
* He found me and was a part of my life for the following 2 yrs. I got on ok with his wife & 2 younger children and spent a lot of time catching up staying/ holidaying with them etc. I even met the boy whom Id spend the next 16 yrs with, my late husband - father of my 2 eldest children.
*His wife had lots of insecurities about my mum, which started to spread to me, she grew distant and was instrumental in keeping my father & my relationship good but under her control.
*From age 18 til about 29 I was busy with my life/ partner/ marriage/ houses/ babies... father kept his distance. They didnt come to our Wedding, my Grandfather gave me away, they only met my children when they were about 2 & 5... this was after i made the effort to reconnect as my husband was diagnosed with cancer and dying.... I felt that life was too short not to be wasted.
* They remained a part of my life til my husband passed away, their daughter married and I was her Matron of honor, BUT once their daughter was married & expecting my kids & I were pushed aside and he stopped contact again. Largely due to his wifes wishes I was later to learn.
*Cranky that he was drifting in & out of my kids lives, and determined that they were to have a stable life after the trauma of their fathers death I confronted him on the phone where he proceeded to tell me how much his wife was disappointed that I didnt support her during her mothers illness/death and basically saying that his wife couldnt have me as a part of their family because of this (I wasnt told of the step mothers mothers passing so no way I could've "supported")
* I begged for him to at least stay in phone/email contact on a monthly basis and he still gave me the "wife" story. I let him know that life was too short, and if this was how he was happy to leave things not to disrupt our (mine & his grandkids) lives again.....
............I havent heard from him at all for the past 5 years!
*Through distant friends I would hear occassional things like the half sister having babies etc, but nothing more serious.
*Last night I hear from my Grandmother (mums mum) that they ran into my father at the shops and he told them how he was dying. 2x brain tumors, 1 in the spine and now prostate, had chemo etc and just enjoying his time left and that he now has 3 grandsons from daughter.
*Although he did not ask them to tell me, he knows they will (My G/P's practically raised me as mum was a teen when falling preg)
*The whole convo was about himself, he didnt ask about my welfare (or my kids HIS grandkids), he has no idea Ive remarried or had another baby, he appeared to have no real interest.
*Besides feeling a little offended Ive got to wonder if when facing death, he still has no wishes for me/us to be in his life, is he so unfeeling towards me, does his wifes wishes mean that much?
* All night Ive searched my heart and while I feel empathy towards him and his family, I dont have real sadness as most would if their father was dying. I dont need my kids to lose someone again if we were to rekindle a relationship.
*Maybe Ive long ago moved on and whie the brief thought of "karma coming around" passed my mind it doesnt make me feel good at all. I think I feel .... nothing. Just a void/blank area. I dont love him, I dont hate him.
I think my mum would feel more upset than me, as he was the love of her life, even though he treated her so badly.
I think I just needed to process this all and let it go. His wife & daughter wont be letting me know when it happens, so maybe by making this acknowlegement here & now will save shock/upset later down the track?
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