How much are you doing for elderly parents?

[givemeaspell]

I've posted this before a few years back, obv still an issue for me.  But how much is too much?  I try and dedicate one day a week to take them shopping, chemist, general stuff, and then am in daily contact, and then am asked every other day "are you around today"? I also have stuff of my own to do, but end up taking them on other errands probably at least 3 days a week.  There is public transport very close to their home and they also get half price taxi fares due to ill health. (mainly just old age problems).

Don't get my wrong I love them dearly but I find they become very negative as they age, everything is a problem or hard work.  They don't seem to want to make life easier for themselves, instead complain about how hard things are with not driving, relying on others etc.  It becomes that it gets you down to be around that negativity.  

Any advice appreciated!

[givemeaspell]

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@creative*crisis wrote:
Would it help to get aged services involved they can help with shopping , housework etc. Or is it a case of them refusing these services but expecting you to do them?

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spot on. everything suggested falls on deaf ears, so advice to make things easier is not accepted. 

[givemeaspell]

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@justpolls wrote:

@givemeaspell wrote:

thanks justpolis, it's one of those things isn't it, everyone is living longer but it's not always an easy ride, I just wish sometimes they would take some advice on board to make things a bit easier but it falls on deaf ears, creatures of habits I suppose.

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Sorry for running out on you so fast giveme....I had to leave for work, but wanted to respond earlier. So I posted fast and ran out the door.

I totally understand where you are coming from! After my mom passed, my husband and I moved in with my dad....to help care for him, but with the purpose of keeping him company as well. My parents were just coming up on their fifty first wedding anniversary when my mom passed and I was worried he would be lonely. He does a lot of stuff for himself, but he wouldn't bother cooking for himself and he's never been one for doing household chores. So living back in my parents house has been another adjustment all in itself. To top it off, dad is the veritable crusty, old curmudgeon. So you can only imagine.

So I'm still dealing with taking care of an elderly parent....but it's not like it was before. Seeing people you love hurting makes it much worse and actually living here makes it easier in some ways....in regards to the physical aspect of it.

Neither of my parents were/are good at taking advice.....they have ways of doing things that are comfortable for them and have been set in their way of doing them for quite a long awhile. At times, it would frustrate me because I made the mistake of taking it personally. Like they were somehow "discounting me" and not listening to me because I was their daughter and I felt that they didn't take me seriously. But then I realized that some of what was going on was about their staying revelant and not giving up what small control and say they still had over their own lives. As you age....and with real illness, things that you always took for granted suddenly slip away from you and there is a real sense of frustration and disempowerment from that. When you lose control over the large issues, suddenly the small things that you still have control over seem extremely important to manage the way you want them to be managed. Maybe holding on to old habits is a way of maintaing ones identity....and perhaps ones dignity... when it seems everything else in your world is changing. Could be some of what's going on with your own parents?

I know that in my own case, it seemed like the more they lost and the worse their health declined....the more insistent they both became over doing things the way they wanted.

I was lucky to have one of my sisters helping out as well. We would share the responsibilites and had days we would each go over to clean, cook, help with showers, etc. And we had each other to talk to about it also. So that definitely helped.

Creative has a good suggestion....but maybe you have siblings that could help out also?

you make a lot of sense and I think that is where they are coming from. They insist on sticking to their routine even though that is not really easy to do and in order to stick to this routine means that we (offspring) need to take time out of our own busy lives to help them when there are easier alternatives.  So - do we make our own lives more difficult in order to keep them happy?  or do we advise that we cannot assist in those routines when there are easier options available to them?

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[givemeaspell]

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@jean2579 wrote:

This post made me want to cry. I have a son and his family that I love very dearly and although they are almost 700 kms away I would be devasted to think that were thought we were an inconvenience and had outlived our usefulness. I know that is not what you are saying,  but we never tell them when we have medical issues or any problems at all as we do not want to bother them, I sometimes feel that we are walking on eggshells when we are talking to them as we do not want to cause them any concerns, and my gut feeling is that it should not be like that. Maybe we have lived too long . You are inconvenienced by their needs to hold onto some dignity, they are terrified that they will be abandoned. I don,t know if there is a happy medium. 

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im so sorry Jean that this made your feel that way and I know you know that wasn't my intention for any elderly people.  I live very close by to my parents and have done for a long time.  I am involved in every aspect of their lives and are  more than happy to help in taking them to appointments, shopping and social activities.  However, I also have my own life with children of my own, sometimes I feel that I am torn between doing things for everyone else, is it selfish to want to have a day to myself where I don't have to answer to everyone.  Sometimes I probably give that impression to my parents that I'm a bit frustrated, but when you are called upon everyday to do something for someone - even if it is just one small thing it can still get you down (occassionally!).  you sound as if you are the opposite as you never tell them when there is an issue, I wouldn't want that, but sometimes no issue becomes an issue when it doesn't need to be....something that can wait until tomorrow maybe should wait until tomorrow if you get my drift...

[fo-trut]

I do not know where my mom is. My dad smokes so there is no helping him. He did clean up around his place finally, thought he never would and I would have to.

[creative*crisis]

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@givemeaspell wrote:

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@creative*crisis wrote:
Would it help to get aged services involved they can help with shopping , housework etc. Or is it a case of them refusing these services but expecting you to do them?

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spot on. everything suggested falls on deaf ears, so advice to make things easier is not accepted. 

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You may have to take a stand as things will only get worse as they get older and more dependent. You may have to swallow feelings of guilt in order to do this but for your own sake it's probably necessary.

There's a lot of help available out there and it's not unreasonable of you and them to take advantage of  it. If you burnout you'll be no use to yourself or them.

[lurker172602]

My in laws seem to have had a bit of everything you have all mentioned over the past few years.

They were fiercely independent, and sometimes quite difficult to get along with because of it, for as long as I had known them, then as they got older they needed more and more help, which they resented needing but accepted reluctantly.  My SiL (their daughter) spent many many hours driving back and forth between their place and hers, taking them places and trying to resolve crises as they erupted.  She ran herself ragged trying to meet their needs.  (All the other siblings lived too far away to be of any day-to-day help.)

Eventually, following a domestic incident, which could very easily have become a fatality, it was decided they couldn't manage at home anymore, even with extensive assistance, and the family started looking around for an aged care place for them.  A really nice place in our area became available, so within 3 weeks they moved in here.  Memory loss and general confusion has made it very hard for them to understand why they are there and they regularly ask how much longer they have to stay here.  They understand that their house has been sold, and are OK about that, but can't get the idea that the home is where they now live.  

So, now my husband calls to see them 2-3 time a week and takes them places and does little odd errands etc for them.  He, and me for that matter, don't mind that but it is nothing like how we thought we would be spending our time up until about 4 months ago.  And I hadn't appreciated how having them living nearby would turn our home into a "hostel" for OHs siblings whenever they felt like visiting (only 1 lives close enough to day trip to see them, the others need to stay over)

Im not really sure what I'm trying to say with all this, except maybe that aging is such a complex and complicated and confusing thing for all involved, and that each individual and family will have a different experience and that there isn't any one size fits all answer.

[lurker172602]

Oh, and meant to say to givemeaspell, I have read so many stories about middle aged women (literally middle aged i.e., caught between aging parents and their own children and grandchildren) who are exactly where you.  You are not alone in feeling the way you do.

[givemeaspell]

thanks all, yes Im sure there are many people in the same situation as me. I have other siblings that all help but as I live the closest I am called on the most.  our generation are the ones that are caught in the middle, caring for parents and grandkids...we also need time for ourselves.  t's a tough gig to try and find a balance.

[lind9650]

Yes, it is very hard to convince ageing parents to accept outside help when they have one or more children living nearby. Especially hard for them to understand if they never cared for an old paret themself.

For 20 years I have taken care of my parents in law, my own parents and a husband with congenital hart desease.

I had no car and each day I had to walk the two km each way to get to their homes and help out with odd jobs, doing the shopping for them and arrange taxis to take them to Doctors appointments.

One after the other finished up in Hospital, so there were daily visits as well.

Because my children had left home and some of them already married with children, I was supposed to have all the time in the world to jump when they whistled.

In the end there was only my mother left and my OH was getting worse, but my mother became even more demanding, complaining and criticising and refused Home Help. She told the Doctor "My daughter is there to do all tha for me."

Unfortunate I had an accident and damaged my spine. Finished up in Melbourne Hospital for six mont. As my husand could not take care of my mother, he called the local Social Worker who first organised Home Help, but eventually the desciccion was made that my mother could not live on her own and had to go into a Nursing Home. By the time I came back home and went to see my mother, I expected tears and accusations, but instead, my mother, pushing a walker, took me all around the Home and with a smile explained all the different rooms, telling me about all the activities they did, including outings to the shops and sightseeing places.

"I should have come here a long time ago." She said to me, as if I had hidden the place from her. She forgot thatt she refused to move out of her little Unit.

I will be 80 soon and all my family and my husband know that if or when I get to the point of needing help, I will gladly go into a Nursing Home and not be a burden on the people I love. I don't want to be the cause of stress and breakdowns or being resented and feared by my irrational behaviour. Nursing Homes today are completely different than what the Assylums were before WWII. The ones in my neighbourhood are the best I have seen so far.

Erica

[margomeoz]

My advice would be to get over yourself.

Whenever I see or hear younger people say how hard it is to care for their parents i always wonder how it is that 1 mother can look after 10 children but 10 children can't seem to look after 1 mother.