1oth August 2007
hello everyone,
I arrived back home yesterday at 6am. was very jetlagged but did manage to stay awake till 8:30pm (although i was in zombie mode).
It's hard to talk at the moment. The last 2 weeks have been the most emotionally draining time in my life.
I have a lot to tell you all, but i'm just not quite ready to yet.
Today i get back to normal life (school for the kids, swimming lessons, cooking, cleaning etc) and to be honest....i just dont want to.
It was so hard to leave mum
If i could of come home, spent a day with my family and then flown back to Mum.....i would of.
That sounds so mean to my family and i hate that i feel like this
I think i may need to speak to someone, a councellor or something.
I dont know, im so changed.
Im finding it hard to adjust back to normal life.
Its hard to communicate.
Maybe in a day or two i'll be better
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13th Aug 2007
Its really hard to put into words all that ive been through in the last 2 weeks. I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.
Im glad my 2 emails to Binky got through ok. Sorry i didnt get a chance to write more.
My flight over was fine....long, uncomfortable, but fine.
I went to see Mum the day i arrived and as i said in my emails....it was quite upsetting.
If i had been asked what my thoughts were regarding Mum the first 2 days i was with her I probably would of said i didnt hold much hope for her.
But, as each day went on and i got used to her appearance...i saw improvements and i saw hope.
I stayed at my Uncle (Dad's brother) and Aunts house. They live 2 doors down from my Grandparents (Dads parents) where my Dad stayed.
I'd never met my Aunt and Uncle before but they are the most adorable couple and i'm so thankful for all they have done for my Mum and Dad..
While i was over there Mum had her nasal feeding tube removed and had a feeding peg put in her stomach. She was not real good for a couple of days after that
But she seemed to recover from it.
I spent everyday from 11am till 8pm with Mum. The ward she is in (BIU) is very nice. A huge ward with only 6 patients. Mum is the most recent patient and also the less advanced patient. There is a 20 year old girl near Mum. She was hit in a hit and run accident on her 20th birthday a month before Mums accident. She was in the coma for the same length of time as Mum and like Mum, is now in a pesistant vegitative state, but she is beginning to respond to questions so she may move to the next stage of development soon (Post Traumatic Amnesia).
Dad and I had a hard time with eachother for the first few days i was there. Seems before i went over he was telling everyone how proud he is of me, how im a great daughter etc, but when he got there he talked to me like a child and snapped at everything i said.
Dad's reaction to me actually upset me more than Mum did.
But after a few days my Aunt pulled him aside and had a talk to him. Then he and I had a long walk and talked.
He thought we (my sis and I) would hate him for what had happened. He thought, if Mum was to go, we wouldnt want him because he had not been a very loving Dad to us.
I told him how much we love him and that there is always time to change. We need him and want him in our lives and our kids lives.
We had a lot of long, good talks. He told me how proud he is of me and everynight before bed, he would give me a hug and a kiss.
He also told me why he took 2 days to tell me and my sister about the accident.
I always thought it was because he expected her to get better so he didnt want us to worry for no reason, but it wasnt that.
He told me he expected her to be dead after the accident.
He said he will NEVER tell me all the details of what he saw that day but he did tell me that when he ran to where she was lying and put his hand under her head, he expected her head to just crumble in his hand.
He could not believe she was still alive. He could not believe she would survive even 10 minutes.
She did die in the ambulance but they brought her back.
He said he thought a call to us would be easier if he just rang and said "there has been an accident and Mum has been killed" rather than "there has been an accident and Mum has been hurt" then call again a few hours later and say "and now she has died".
Mum did have a brain scan done while i was over there. So i made sure i had an appointment with her Doc about it before i left.
He said the scan they did was showing signs of improvement from the one she had done in Blackpool.
He said her scan at the moment looks very similar to what a scan of an Alziemers patient would look like.
But an alzeimers patients scan would get worse where as they have hope that Mums will get better.
She does have a bruise between her skull and brain, however it is not of a huge concern as it is not putting any pressure on her brain.
However there is a small bleed near the bruise.
The only concern with that is that the Warfarin Mum is on for her deep vein thrombosis (DVT) thins her blood to prevent clotting.
But we need the bleed in the brain to clot to prevent it getting worse.
The day i left the Docs were having a meeting to discuss how to treat the DVT and the brain bleed.
Mum is being treated for the hospital bug MRSA but we were told it was no big deal.
99% of pateints with a trach tube get MRSA and as soon as her trach tube is removed, the MRSA will be gone.
The only way a visitor could get it is by swapping saliva with Mum.
Mum was responding to a lot of questions the day before i left.
If you speak to her slowly and while shes got her eyes open you can get her to move her fingers.
We were asking her if she could see/hear us. We asked her to lift her little finger if she could and after a minute or two her finger would lift off the bed. In the end she was responding to lots of questions and photos.
It takes time and sometimes she doesnt always respond....but sometimes she does a lot.
To me, it was happening way to frequently to be just reflex. Basically she doesnt move at all. But if we speak to her carefully, when her eyes are open, ask her easy questions, we can get her to lift different fingers to different questions.
I talked to the Doc about it and he said that he cant say it is a response but he also cant say it isnt. He says that the hospital can treat Mum medically but they cant sit with her 9 hours a day like family can. They can't give her the brain stimulation that we can and its the brain stimulation that she needs the most to improve.
I did venture away from the hospital a little bit. Only about an hour away.
I did spend one night with my Mums brother and his wife and on that night i went out to dinner with them and Mums 3 sisters.
They also took me to a beautiful park called BradGate Park and to a castle called Kirby Muxloe
The whole trip over has changed me. I now have relatives that i never really knew and I adore them. I have a much closer relationship to my Dad and i hope it continues to get stronger, but i'm still very sad.
It was so hard to leave my Mum. At first i was scared to go over and leave my kids but while over there, i realised my kids were fine but my Mum was not. She is so fragile and i want to be with her everyday.
I'm so glad i went over. I dont regret that for a minute but it had made me miss my Mum so much more now.
Amy xx