@mybluestang wrote:
It's a long time since I've posted, but I am desperate for any help and advice.
I am 53 and in September was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. I have had a whipple procedure which took 81/2 hours of surgery, but unfortunately, they were unable to remove all the cancer as it had attached itself to an artery. This procedure was done in November and yet I am still feeling so unwell.
I have been to see an oncologist twice and I am due to start chemo in the next week. Both times I have seen the oncologist, I have gone home and just cried and cried, as he has given me nothing positive to hold on too.
I am absolutely devastated by my diagnosis as they have told me they can't cure me and only 1 in 5 will get through to the end of chemo treatment. I know everyone says to stay positive, but I have been given nothing positive to hold on to and I just can't stop crying.
If you have been through this type of cancer and procedure, please post for me, I really need to talk to people who understand what I am going through and if what I am feeling is normal.
I was torn as to whether I should answer this post. But you have reached out for help from people who understand your condition. And while I have misgivings about revealing personal things about myself, I think your post deserves an answer.
I have no experience with pancreatic cancer but I understand what you are going through. I am 53 years old and I have liver cancer. It is terminal. I was diagnosed a year ago and I will be dead within 2 years. Nevertheless I am happier now than I have been in a long long time.
There is a trick to coping with a terminal disease, and it has nothing to do with bravery or strength of character. The trick is to learn to live without hope.
In my philosophy there are only two things in the world that are true: the first is that everyone dies, and the second is that everyone has to live until they die. Death is a fact of life and what is done with that life is of more significance than the fact of life's ending. Obsessing over impending death does not improve the quality of one's life. Accepting the fact of your death moves you beyond grief and allows you to be happy and contented in your final days.
As to how to move through the 5 stages of grief, I can't help you. My father died several years ago and I was upset. But at the funeral, looking at his empty body in the casket, I did not grieve for him: I grieved for myself. Because I knew that I too would die and I came to accept that fact. Years later when my oncologist told me my cancer was terminal she was more upset that me. I didn't have to move through the stages of grief to acceptance because I was already there.
As for practical advice:
- Google grief or the stages of grief. What you are going through is normal, and it sounds like you are stuck in the depression stage of the grief cycle. Once you move on to acceptance the depression will end and you can resume living normally.
- Dealing with oncologists: oncologists are doctors who are mainly concerned with palliative care, with extending life in a useful way. That means their focus is not so much on the efficacy of the treatment, but on moderating the side effects of the treatment.
- Many people will try to comfort you with amazing stories of survival or miracle cures. These people are not helpful. You will note that oncologists do not tell these stories. These stories serve to engender false hope and oncologists, being trained grief counsellors, understand that such false hope is counter productive in moving their patients to the acceptance stage of the grief cycle.
- Focus on the positive aspects of dying young. Surprisingly, there are many of them.
- You might live. That's great, but don't stake your happiness on this outcome, because until you have survived the cancer you are still dying of cancer.
- Focus on small goals. I am about to start a treatment which has the potential to extend my life by 12 months. That might not sound like much to someone who expects to live another 30 or 40 years, but to me that is huge.
- It is OK to be selfish, but only a little.
- It is OK to die. Everybody dies. People talk about fighting cancer and beating cancer. It is not a competition where winners live and losers die. Cancer will kill you or not. Accept that and be happy with the time left. At worst, you will die earlier than you expected. But it is not like it wasn't going to happen anyway.
- Most of all, focus on the good rather than the bad. Personally, while it sucks to have a terminal disease, I have had a lot of advantages in my life. All things considered, I am happy to have lived my life and to have a little bit more of it. I wouldn't trade this life of mine for anyone else, and if that means I will die in 12 months or 2 years, that's OK.
I know my post is not sympathetic and positive. Rereading it, it seems kind of bleak. If some of the things I have written upset you, I am sorry. But I am trying to be helpful. These are the things that have worked for me and I think it may be of some use to you. Otherwise I would not have publicly revealed so many personal things about myself, and wasted an hour of my time doing so.
Finally, I want to say that what is happening to you is not necessarily a bad thing. I am happier now than I was before the diagnosis, and I think it is because the future is scary, and my future now is more certain than it was before the diagnosis. And things could certainly be a lot worse.
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and glad to hear you got through round 3.
!! Of course there's always wigs, but I rather like the look of the scarves etc and they're not as hot to wear & probably way less expensive - so you could have a couple maybe 
