Teen Neglect/Abuse?

[witches*wol]

Ok Master 17 has a girlfriend, been dating almost 4 months, she will be 17 next week.  So far seems like a very nice girl.  Gets along well with us and our youngest son.  So All Is Good...BUT...

Her Mother 😮  OMG the woman is a problem.  No we haven't met her or dad or step dad (Our son has met mum, step dad and little brother)

We know mum drinks...a lot!  Is regularly drunk, gets very abusive when drinking especially towards her daughter.  Our son has had the pleasure of seeing mum "go off" over skype.

Tonight she has locked her daughter out of the main house - this means she still has access to her bedroom but no access to food or anything.  She has been told she will be locked out for 3 days.  She was forced to phone her bio-dad tonight and to basically confess to him what a horrible disgusting person she is and that she is a pig.  She was able to call her dad back and apologise for the call and dad said he knew that mum forced her to call him.  (She use to live with dad - moved back to mum about 4 months ago)

Now to add to this mum has gotten hold of our sons mobile phone no and she is calling him to tell him what a terrible person his girlfriend (her daughter) is  Fortunately our son has been warned by his g/f that it is mum calling him and he has not answered her calls.  (comes up as unknown No and he doesn't answer unknown No's)

Tomorrow the girl will be going to stay with friends as she can't live at home for the next few days so she will be out of the situation for awhile.

So my question is what do I/ can I/ would you do??????

We live almost an hours drive from this girl so we can't just pop over and help.

She is in yr 11 so has at least 2 more years of school to go. 

Do we ring DOCS, or talk to the school, or just keep our noses out of it? I've not been in this situation before and I hate hearing that she is having to put up with this carp!  Do DOCS etc deal with older kids or just little ones?

Thanks

[cherry*135]

I think you would be best to keep out of it unless the opportunity comes up to offer practical assistance to this girl on occasions. The mother goes off her rocker and you don't want her disrupting your life.

thebraff's suggestion of her seeing the school counsellor is a good one. They should help with her situation and work out something so she can complete her schooling.

There is a Centrelink benefit for young people that can no longer live at home because their parents are alcoholics etc.. that may be an option for her. Youth Allce - Indpendent, I think it is called.

She maybe better moving out on her own and at 17 she could probably cope with that.

[witches*wol]

mailorder*bride ~ No I didn't think you meant she was feral 🙂

am*3 ~ The mother is already trying to disrupt our lives by phoning our son to tell him how terrible the girl is.

Her bio dad lives about 30 mins from us and over an hour from mum so if the girl moves back with dad she wont be able to stay at the new school she is at.

My son was telling me her step dad (who is the bio dad of little brother age 5) says he doesn't want to get involved with the mother daughter thing as the marriage is on rocky ground and he doesn't want to make it worse.  I am guessing if the marriage ended he would probably go for custody of the little boy, he is well aware of his wife's drinking problem.

Will have a talk with son and his g/f about talking to the school counsellor.  It really would be better if they could be involved.

Thanks for everyones thoughts and advice  🙂

[the_great_she_elephant]

If it were me, I would offer to take her in - at least until she can get things sorted out.

I'm not suggesting it's what you should do - I don't know your circumstances - I'm just saying it's what  I would do, We had quite a lot of 'waifs and strays' pass through our house when our kids were younger.

[katydidthat]

When my little brother was younger, his girlfriend moved into our house.  I can't remember what her problems were at home ... but obviously they were severe.  She fitted in really well.  They split up later but remained good friends.  

If that's not an option, then she can make an appointment with a Centrelink social worker to discuss her options ... 

If she's in a large town/city, there are usually places that rent out rooms to students for about $100 a week.  

She could also talk to a charity about getting help from them.  Some of them provide accommodation ... and she's old enough to get a part time job, too.  

[bella_again]

Not sure if I have understood properly but if the 5 year old is at home a lot of the time I would consider a call to DOCS.  If you are wanting to help the teen, contact with a counsellor and help through centrelink can help her to get the assistance she needs to be more independent.

DOCS can also inform her of her rights and what she can do. Would she ever call herself and ask for help? 

Ultimately the 17 yo needs support to help her at this very difficult stage in her life so supporting her and caring will make all the difference.

[purple_haize]

Witches........UHM.

[kopenhagen5]

I am with am3, keep out of it. Offer the warm arms of your family as you have been doing perhaps a little extra. That in itself is great support for her while she finishes school.

If ever her family approaches you pointing a finger, you can then always look them in the eye and say you have not had anything to do with saying or doing something behind their back.

They may even open up to you if you remain on good terms.

Having said that, it's a complex situation of course and there is so much water under their bridge to get this stage that only professionals are capable of faster solutions.

I have seen it before where a family gives the inlaw child much love that the child prefers the new found family and the original family see it enough to realize to start talking with the child.

Remember, if not are not sure, don't. Time often brings answers. 🙂

[daydream**believer]

i dont think there is much you can do regarding the mum and daughter, but i would be going to see the mum and telling her to stop calling and harrassing your son

[cherry*135]

She doesn't need to rely on charity. There are Centrelink Benefits available if living at home is not suitable (and this family seems to fit that category - Mum & Dad).

The School Counsellor would be aware of this option/have details about C/L.

My daughter had a friend that moved out under those circumstances and set up on her own, income Centrelink benefit. Got herself to school every school day, did her homework and completed her schooling. She was about 16 when she left home.

If she stays in this war zone, will be hard for her to concentrate on schooling. Besides you can't lock dependant children out of the house so they don't have access to food etc for 3 days.

[everything*that*i*ever*wanted]

I have been in this position a number of times over the past couple of years personally and in the past 12 months through my volunteer work.

First step I would take: Ask the young lady if she would like you help ? If so, what would she like you to help her with ? What outcome would be her preference...staying at home, help to relocate elsewhere, counselling with Mum, help for the younger child too.

There are alot of variables.

Secondly, I would be concerned about the capacity to care properly for a 5yo if she is constantly alcohol impaired and abusive.

Is it possible also that you are not getting the full story about any contribution to the situation that the teen is making ? Is she cleaning up after herself at home, helping with household chores, all the usual teen things they don't like doing that get our backs up ?

There is obviously some sort of intervention needed. It is just a matter of what form it should take.

If you were in NSW I could put you into contact with an awesome agency that works with teens and their families with a view to keeping the family together or mending the rifts already there. They can temporarily place kids in a suitable home near their school, whilst working to get the family back on an even keel. The organisation is called RAFT. I am sure there are similar agencies in other states also.