(Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging footsteps. Shadows on the grille. The bootsteps stop and keys jangle. The great door creaks open and Ximinez walks in and looks round approvingly. Fang and Biggles enter behind pushing in the dear old lady. They chain her to the wall.)
Ximinez : Ha! Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. ...Four counts. Do you confess?
Old Lady : I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ximinez : Ha! Then we shall MAKE you understand! Biggles! Fetch... ...THE CUSHIONS!
(JARRING CHORD. Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Biggles : Here we are, lord.
Ximinez : Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- two last chances. And you shall be free -- three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Old Lady : I don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez : Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!
(Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture)
Ximinez : (really into it) Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles : It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
Ximinez : Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles : Yes, lord.
Ximinez : (angrily hurling away the cushions) Hmf. She's made of harder stuff. Cardinal Fang. Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
(JARRING CHORD - Zoom into Fang's horrified face)
Fang : (terrified) The...Comfy Chair?
Ximinez : Yes.
(Fang and Biggles push in a comfy chair - a really plush one.)
Ximinez : So! You think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her... in the Comfy Chair!
(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair. She settles in and smiles. It is a very comfy chair.)
Ximinez : (with a cruel leer) Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at eleven! (Aside, to Biggles, slightly deflated) Is that really all it is?
Biggles : Yes, lord.
Ximinez : I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?
(Biggles nods. Ximinez begins very softly but is soon screaming.)
Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles : (dropping to knees) I confess!
Ximinez : Not you!
(Cut to a judge.)
Judge Kilbraken : I confess!
(Cut back to cell.)
Ximinez : (looking about, confused) Who was that?
(Cut back to judge.)
Judge Kilbraken : I confess!
Judge : Quiet, you!
(Pull back to reveal a standard courtroom setup. Judge Kilbraken is in the defendant's area, being judged by another judge. An attractive woman in a short white dress is in the middle.)
Judge Kilbraken : I confess, I confess, I confess!
Judge : Quiet! That's contempt of court!
Judge Kilbraken : It was only a link.
Judge : Contempt of court. However, I probably shouldn't punish you, because we're so short of judges at the moment, what with all of them emigrating to South Africa. ...I'm going tomorrow, I've got my ticket. Get out there and get some decent sentencing done. Ooh, England makes you sick! Best I can manage here is life imprisonment. It's hardly worth coming in in the morning. Now, South Africa! You've got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a week, you've got cheap drinks, slave labour and a booming stock market. I'm off, I tell you. Yes, I'm up to here with probation and bleeding psychiatric reports. That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right! Well, I'm going to have one final fling before I leave, so... I sentence you to be burnt at the stake.
Judge Kilbraken : Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
(Court reacts expectantly. Nothing happens.)
(Cut to suburban house. The three members of the Spanish Inquisition suddenly bolt out of the door and down the path. Dick Barton music. Cut to them leaping onto a bus.)
Ximinez : Two, er, three for the Old Bailey please.
(Credits start superimposed.)
Biggles : Look, they've started the credits.
Ximinez : Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Biggles : Come on hurry. Hurry!
(We see shots of them coming through London. Credits keep rolling.)
Ximinez : There's the lighting credit, only five left.
(More credits.)
Ximinez : Hell, it's the producer - quick!
(They leap off the bus into the Old Bailey. Cut to court room. They burst in, and...)
Ximinez : Nobody expects the Sp...
(CAPTION: 'THE END' appears)
...Oh bugger!
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