Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

[debra9275]

oops.. wrong thread  

[tommy.irene]

Two ladies are chatting over coffee,

-‘That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend.’

-‘I know, but I don’t hold any grudges.’

-‘I’m surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her.’

-‘Well, I had to swear to him she’s Jennifer Lopez’s double.’

-‘Wow! Is that true?’

-‘I wouldn’t lie. She’s twice her weight and twice her age.’

[tommy.irene]

Which one are you ????
TYPES OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK:
1) The "Rooster" – Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" – Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they see you in public.
3) The "Hyena" – Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and
LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" – Has 4,367 friends for NO r
eason
5) The "Gamer" – Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Bakes
virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)
6) The "Cynic" – Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.
7) The "Collector" – Never posts anything either, but joins every
group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
😎 The "Promoter" – Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" – Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button
10) "Drama Queen/ King" – This person always posts stuff like "I
can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in
the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong but
then they never finish telling the story.
11) The "News" – Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and Lastly
12) The "Thief" – Steals status updates... and will probably steal
this one.

[tommy.irene]

Dear Bill,
I am a 42 year old Mother.
Left for work but after a mile or so, my car broke down.
Had to walk home again, and on arriving home found my 18 year old Babysitter handcuffed to the bed in her School Uniform, giving my Husband Oral Sex.
I am devastated!
Can you help?

Dear Susie,
A common cause for this, is dirt in your Carburettor.
Don't let your fuel drop too low in the tank.
Hope this helps.

[tommy.irene]

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

"I want to play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" says Little Johnny.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ICE CREAM!"

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note.
Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
You now have 2 options...
Delete it…..
or
Send it along to put a smile on someone's face today!.

[tommy.irene]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl..
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Bolton fan, and proud of it ,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Bolton fan?'
'Because my mum is a Bolton fan, and my dad is a Bolton fan, so I'm a Bolton fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Bolton fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

[tommy.irene]