Tommys Joke Page

Tommys Joke Page 2015
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1 of 2,046
Latest reply
2,045 REPLIES 2,045

Re: Tommys Joke Page

Paddy was telling his mate Patrick about his best pal, Tommy.

He told how Tommy was feeling fed up, down and despondent because he was over โ‚ฌ3,000 behind with his mortgage and was about to have his home repossessed.

He'd driven to the Cliffs of Moher, locked all the doors and was about to drive over to end it all when a total stranger asked him what the heck he was doing and why.

After Tommy told all, a group of total strangers had a whip-round and collected over โ‚ฌ3,500 to help him. Tommy was overcome with joy and decided not to end it all and continued with his original journey.

"Who the heck were those generous strangers" Patrick asked.

Paddy replied "Oh, they were the passengers on Tommy's bus".
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1941 of 2,046
Latest reply

Re: Tommys Joke Page

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".
I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Monday!!..
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1942 of 2,046
Latest reply

Re: Tommys Joke Page

83320487_607383316762347_3257409892863967232_n.jpg

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1943 of 2,046
Latest reply

Re: Tommys Joke Page

83595174_2778461042260819_6942956385084637184_n.jpg

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1944 of 2,046
Latest reply

Re: Tommys Joke Page

83673078_3295566457141445_7365657390328061180_n.jpg

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1945 of 2,046
Latest reply

Re: Tommys Joke Page

..

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1946 of 2,046
Latest reply

Re: Tommys Joke Page

83856911_10213699454955230_4459553771382374400_n.jpg

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1947 of 2,046
Latest reply

Re: Tommys Joke Page

83879754_10213793394583662_336732539882307584_n.jpg

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1948 of 2,046
Latest reply

Re: Tommys Joke Page

83909838_10213725547847536_3993934584411586560_n.jpg

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1949 of 2,046
Latest reply

Re: Tommys Joke Page

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers. Every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

'We collect them and send them back to the biscuit makers. Every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send
them to the Tax Office. About once a year they send us a complete prick.'
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1950 of 2,046
Latest reply