Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

[tommy.irene]

Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea. Of course he did pass away and the boys remembered to keep their promise. So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more'. After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'Nodis'll neva do'. The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' 'Aye it tis! Can yer hand me DA shovel.

[tommy.irene]

A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!

[tommy.irene]

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?" "A jack"

[tommy.irene]

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the tiles. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" Paddy shouts. To which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy". Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You bloody eegit Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".

[tommy.irene]

Three blondes were applying for a position on the police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.” He put the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after a few seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes I did. He has only one eye!” The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed.” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, put the photo in front of her for a few seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused.” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third, and last blonde, and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but, . . . ” he flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “OK, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?” The blonde said, “I sure did. The man wears contact lenses.” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?” The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.” __________________

[tommy.irene]

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

[tommy.irene]

Two cowboy ranchers in Texas, they each had their own horse, but they could never tell them apart. So the first cowboy said, "I've got it!" The second cowboy said "What?" "I'll shave the main on my horse." Let's do it!” So the cowboy shaves the main on his horse. But after a while the main grew back. The cowboys are having a really hard time telling them apart. Then the one cowboy said, "I've got it! "What? What? What’s your idea now? says the other" "I'll cut the tail on my horse really small." "Alright! Let's do it!" So he cut the tail really short. But after a while it grew back. "Then the second cowboy said, "OK, this time I've got it!" You take the black one and I'll take white one!

[tommy.irene]

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink? “Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having.

[tommy.irene]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."