Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

Q: What do you call a man who just lost his brain? A: Divorced.

[tommy.irene]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

[tommy.irene]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the spot only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water..?" The soldier replied, "There is no water here, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead..? They are only £5." The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel..! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water..! I should kill you, But I must find water first..!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Insha Allah." Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped .... "They won't let me in without a tie..!

[tommy.irene]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[tommy.irene]

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.' She replied 'No,we have a problem,were a couple,were married,were a unit, your problem is my problem were in this together.' Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.' But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?' I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'

[tommy.irene]

While walking through the park, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?' 'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied. 'You've gotta be kiddin' me.' 'No, would you like to give it a try?' Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'. He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...

[tommy.irene]

A married man was visiting his mistress when she requested that he shave his beard. Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face. James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she'd kill me! Oh please? the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. Oh really, I can't, he replies. My wife loves this beard! The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night, James crawls into bed with his wife while she's sleeping. The wife is awakened some what and feels his face and says, Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here right now my husband will be home soon..

[tommy.irene]

Knock, knock. Who's there? Isabelle Isabelle who? Isabelle necessary on a bicycle?

[tommy.irene]

Since it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one: An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Qatari, an Indian, a Laotian and an Ghanian went to a night club. The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

[tommy.irene]

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep". Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk. "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!