Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Geor,ge your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!" Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic. While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not George..

[tommy.irene]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

[tommy.irene]

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate." he stated. "Why, yes," she replied. "Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?" "He's a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

[tommy.irene]

There are three men in the military practicing skydiving. The first man jumps out and a swiss army knife falls out of his pocket. The second man jumps out and a kitchen knife falls out of his pocket. The third jumps out and a grenade falls out of his pocket. When they land, they go and look for the things they drop because they could have really hurt someone. The first man is running along the street and sees a little boy crying. "Little boy, why are you crying?" he asks. The boy says, "A swiss army knife fell out of the sky and killed my cat!" The second man is running along a street and sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, why are you crying?" he asks. The girl says, "A big kitchen knife fell from the sky and killed my puppy!" The third man is running down a street and sees a little boy laughing hysterically. "Little boy, why are you laughing?" he asks. The boy says, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"

[tommy.irene]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.” “Then my wife’s father died and left me two million dollars."

[tommy.irene]

My wife said I wouldn't be able to cope if she left me and to prove it she moved out for a week. She called after three days to see how I was getting on. "I'm fine thanks", I said smugly "it's easy, I just bought a weeks worth of Pot Noodles so I won't go hungry." "I hope you burn your mouth on the boiling water!" She screamed. Boiling water?

[tommy.irene]

A woman with a headache went to her medicine cabinet to find a bottle of Asprin ..She did as the bottle said; take two and keep away from children..... Soon her headache went away!

[tommy.irene]

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

[tommy.irene]

Someone knocked at my door this morning. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a cheese and tomato pizza. "I haven't ordered any pizzas," I said. "This must be a mistake." "I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner"

[twyngwyn]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from 
The  Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never  
Came  back! 
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. 
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. 
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft **bleep** it's me!"

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet. 
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. 
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.

"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"