Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his cousin...er wife, didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . " at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.... (Also works in Australia..England.. Ireland And France).

[tommy.irene]

Im going back to Ireland for 2 weeks holiday...Wont be posting much...Have a nice Easter everyone...

[imastawka]

Have a safe trip Tommy and Irene.

Happy Easter to you both

[tommy.irene]

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@imastawka wrote:

Have a safe trip Tommy and Irene.

Happy Easter to you both

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Thankyou.......Well folks im going on holiday for 2 weeks..... see you on 12th April..

[cee-dee]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of an old Holden when he spotted Tommy, the well-known heart surgeon in his shop. Tommy was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

Tommy, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the Holden.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?

Tommy paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!"

[tommy.irene]

I will be back on 12th April.

[tommy.irene]

A girl drew a picture of a car on a long road with a driver and 2 people in back seat and there were tree's in the background. They ask her what story did that represent. She said that is when God drove Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden.

[this-one-time-at-bandcamp]

A heart surgeon doesn't change the valves in a heart with it still beating.........the patient is put on a heart-lung machine.

[tommy.irene]

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?" .................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!” “Woah, what the hell happened to him?” “Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.” “What a horrible way to die!” “No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.” “What a way to go, that’s terrible!” “No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.” “Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!” “No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.” “Man, what a way to go!” “No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.” “Now that is one awful way to go!” “No no, he survived that…” “Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?” “I shot him!” “You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?” “He was wrecking my house.”

[tommy.irene]

The VP hobbled in to his house and was greeted by his wife. “Dear,” she said, startled, “what are you doing home so early?” “The boss and I had a fight,” he grumbled. “He would not take back what he said.” Glowing with pride, his wife asked, “What did he say?" The VP shrugged, “You’re fired.”